Something I found really interesting was the different dynamics Diaz had with her grandmothers. She related completely with her Black grandmother and felt she was her safe place, whereas she never felt good enough for her White grandmother. I can relate to this in a way, because growing up I did have different dynamics with each of my grandmothers, and funnily enough one is Taino and the other isn’t. I found that going back and forth between stories was good at showing the differences in dynamic. With Abuela, Diaz loved cooking with her, spending time with her, using her house as refuge. With Mercy, there was judgment, verbal abuse, and passive unacceptance.
I love how Abuela accepts and embraces her roots, which is something that not all Puerto Ricans do, as Mercy continuously demonstrates. The obvious racism that Mercy has towards Papi’s side of the family creates confusion and unnecessary emotions in young Jaquira. This is something that is very important in a child’s upbringing and can have a bug impact on their mental health in the future, which Diaz alludes to multiple times. Not being accepted, especially by a member of the family, can lead to future problems. Abuela calling her “mi negrita” endearingly versus Mercy cutting off her “pelo malo” shows the stark contrast between the two grandmothers’ perspectives on their heritage.
Díaz, J. (2019). Ordinary girls: a memoir. First edition. Chapel Hill, North Carolina: Algonquin Books of Chapel Hill.
I think you bring up a lot of really interesting points, Megan. I was also struck by the stark difference in the way Diaz’s grandmothers made her feel. One embraced and empowered her, and the other ostracized her and made her feel less than. It was really devastating to read about Mercy cutting off Diaz’s hair, among other things, but it was a bit comforting knowing at least Abuela had her back and supported her for who she is. Racism and colorism within families is especially sinister, as evident in Diaz’s story. It clearly effected her into adulthood.
Thank you for sharing your experience with your own grandmothers. I, too, had different relationships with both of my grandmothers; one shows me love and acceptance no matter what, and the other loved me with condition. As a child, this was really difficult for me to comprehend, but got easier with age. We don’t get to choose our families, especially as children, but we can choose who we spend our time with as we get older.
I think your points about the divisive love from Diaz’s grandmothers are very interesting. It was really heartbreaking to see Grandma Mercy constantly judge Diaz, and go so as far as to forcibly cut her hair because she didn’t approve of it. It must be so hard for a child to grow up in an environment where her own family doesn’t give her the full love and care she deserves simply because of the color of her skin and physical characteristics. As you said, it would affect anyone into adulthood, and the sad thing is in the wrong hands it could potentially perpetuate a cycle of projection and self hatred.
I’m sorry to hear that you experienced this sort of experienced love growing up in your own household. And to Rachel – sorry to hear it happened to you as well. In my house, ALL of the love was conditional essentially all around, except for my family home in Ireland which I rarely saw, so it’s very hard for me now as an adult to understand unconditional love. I can understand the depth to which this impacts us all as adults. My family wanted me to grow up this perfect Jewish boy who was gonna be a doctor or something, but I ended up a gay atheist wanting to work in education and technology. I kind of made my own path and developed my own interests and was stubborn about it, and was lashed out at because of it. The difference here is that they are reacting at things that I chose for myself that don’t align with what they were hoping for – this sort of racialized conditional love is about an inherent characteristic. We did nothing to choose our physicality, and I can’t imagine the depth of the pain of feeling conflicted love from your own family over something that they didn’t choose was like, and being treated differently and/or punished for it. I’m glad that despite all of our familial issues growing up, as you said, Rachel, we choose our own family and who we choose to keep in our lives as adults.