Tag Archives: trauma

The Ghosts Return

Throughout the novel, Diaz, and many people in her life struggle with suicidal thoughts and many including herself have attempted suicide. After Mercy committed suicide Diaz began to reflect on how many people in her family have committed suicide or have tried to, “and then there is this: suicide was our family legacy” (Diaz 259). The last section was highlighted with happy and relieving moments from the later part of Diaz’s life. She talks about her graduation, “I can’t stop smiling. I am overwhelmed with happiness, with love, with hope” (Diaz 278). But even with these moments of immense pride and happiness Diaz still found herself struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts. “One night after not sleeping for days, I find myself sitting on the kitchen floor with a knife, not remembering how I got there, but trying to build up enough courage to slit my own wrists” (Diaz 286). This brings to light the question of whether Diaz will ever be able to fully move past the things that happened in her childhood.

Throughout the chapter “Returning,” Diaz returns to Puerto Rico and Miami several times. She thinks about her childhood and her teenage years. She loses friends from childhood during this time, reconnects with childhood friends, watches them raise kids and get married, and watches the health of her mother decline. Although Diaz is older, she is still trapped in the cycle of caring for her mother, self-destructing, and trying to find ways to cope. Except, as an adult, she finds a passion for writing, puts herself through school, and then graduates. Diaz will always have her past and therefore she will always have to deal with the ghosts of her past, but she has found purpose and she has friends that she cares for deeply.

A picture of a ghost representing the feelings of Diaz when returning to the places of her childhood.

Citations

Díaz Jaquira. (2020). Ordinary girls: A memoir. Algonquin Books of Chapel Hill.

McGrath, Patrick. “‘Ghosts: A Natural History,’ by Roger Clarke.” The New York Times, 24 Oct. 2014, www.nytimes.com/2014/10/26/books/review/ghosts-a-natural-history-by-roger-clarke.html.

Ordinary Girls Day 1

From the first few pages of Ordinary Girls is clear that Diaz’s father is important to her. She romanticizes his college days and association with the independentistas, his love for literature and poetry, and it influenced Diaz’s love for books as well. On page 3, she says, “I was sure of one thing that I wanted everything my father wanted.” She later details a disgusting, “horrifying” man, looking for her father, who exposed himself to her when she was a child. Despite her father putting her and her family in obvious danger, in the next breath, she says “I adored my father.” She loved her father with all of his complexities, even if it meant hardship for her. 

The issue of gender construct is brought up early in the book, when Diaz laments about how her brother gets to go wherever he wants, but Diaz is forbidden from some places because of her gender. She calls it the “burden of girlhood” on page 9. Even when playing cops and robbers as a child, the boys knew they could make Diaz play the role of robber, internalizing misogyny, as girls couldn’t possibly know how to defend themselves. 

The way our parents interact with us has such a great impact on our psyche. Diaz describes her mother’s worsening schizophrenia throughout the story, and several instances that might have escalated her condition. When Diaz’s father tells her she is crazy, or imagining things after accusing him of cheating with la otra, this gaslighting could not have had a positive impact on Mami. 

Lastly, poverty weaves its way through the entire storyline of this section. Diaz’s father would not need to sell drugs, the family would not need to uproot frequently, and Diaz wouldn’t need to deal with being “empty fridge poor” with better opportunities and more support.  A big reason for the lack of support, not that it’s much better in the states, is a lack of funding for  small businesses.