Tag Archives: Kiese Laymon

Grits

“When I saw your face so close to his gun, I wanted to snatch it and melt it into black grits. Ever since police started approaching me more often in Mississippi, I wanted the power to melt every gun in the world into black grits.” (Heavy, Kiese Laymon p. 81)

In this second section of the memoir Heavy, Kiese Laymon details his experience with Maryland police while he and his mother were there for a basketball game. Immediately after getting pulled over, Laymon recalls his mother demanding him to comply with the police and give them no room to have reason to cause any harm. When the officer kneels down, Laymon is not only fear stricken, but angered as well because of how close the gun is to his mother’s face. He’s had an increasing number of run-ins with police, most likely due to the suspicion surrounding tall, husky, black men. But he also knows from his teachings that any wrong move can be justification for some officers to shoot, which is why he wishes to have the power to turn all guns into disintegrated black grits so that they no longer have the power to kill or inflict harm onto black bodies.

Police brutality is a major issue on the forefront of the nation especially in more recent years,  with more media coverage being given to the black lives matter movement which began to protest the use of  unnecessary force against black people in America. Failure to comply with law enforcement, or in some cases, even complying with law enforcement can still result in being a victim of police brutality as those in power often abuse their power and privilege. Due to this problem, Black Americans are taught from a young age to proceed with extreme caution, and always make their intentions clear when dealing with law enforcement, as even just the slightest moves can truly mean the difference between life or death.

HEAVY: Blog Post 1

After reading the first 62 pages of the memoir “Heavy” many things have stood out to me. For example, the whole memoir is being spoken to Kiese’s mother who he expresses as “you”. Being that Kiese writes about his trauma and pain in this book it can be foreshadowed that he never confide himself with his mother. Therefore, he is writing this story to her. I found it very interesting that in the beginning Kiese said that “I wanted to write a lie (page 1). He did not want to say what he truly wanted to say however, he does. Kiese’s relationship with his mother is a complicated one to interpret. In some points of the the reading it can easily be shown the love she has for him however, that love seems to vanish during some points. On page 4 Kiese even says “I realized that day we didn’t simply love each other, but I was your child”. While his mother’s love might not come from affection and kindness, she shows her care and love of her son in preparing him for the harsh realities of life the best way she knew. This being education and making sure Kiese has a laboratory to work with words.

Kiese’s relationship with his grandmother is very different than the one he has with his mother. She is much more caring and does not beat Kiese. He is able to speak and ask his grandma many questions which shows his comfortability to confide in her. Throughout all the trauma and pain he experiences as a child it can be said that his grandmother is his rock and helps him feel better.

Thick, Black Skin

“Our heart meat was so thick. Once punctured, though we waltzed those hearts into war without a plan of escape… We heaved like two hulks.”

(Heavy- Kiese Laymon, Page 4)

The strong black woman or man trope is one that simultaneously helps and hurts black people as evident by this statement made by Laymon. He says the hearts of him and his mothers’ were thick, meaning they often powered through the struggles and emotional distress that occured in their lives. There is no escape from the stressors as it was difficult to find healthy outlets to cope. They often suppressed their traumas which was repeated behavior, which really does begin to weigh heavily on a person regardless of how emotionally resilient you think you are. He then goes on to say that black people are almost superhuman like- hints the hulk reference, and you have to be unbreakable in order to carry on in this world.

Trauma is something that almost all people endure at least once in their lifetime. Some more than others but it is not always easy to recover from. Laymon references the expectations casted by society and even other black people that black Americans are supposed to have “thick skin.” There is this notion about the black community that you must be strong all the time. You mustn’t tell anyone if you’re going through hard times or that you need help. Because of this, a lot of black Americans have deep rooted issues, traumas and emotional and physical scars due to the fact that they’re seen as weak by actually processing the pain that they’re experiencing. It is expected that you internalize trauma and simply move on, but it is clear that this behavior is very destructive to the black body and mind.

Exhibiting Pain and Trauma

Days, and often hours, before you beat me, you touched me so gently. You told me you loved me… You made me feel like the most beautiful black boy in the history of Mississippi until you didn’t.

Laymon, 2018, p. 5

Throughout the first 62 pages, Laymon touches on the various forms of pain and trauma he witnessed and experienced. While he touches on the love he received from his mother and grandmother, the suffering he encountered seemed to weigh more heavily on my mind. As Laymon alludes to in the quote on page 5, the pain that one feels when it’s inflicted by someone they know is supposed to love them hurts more than anything else. Laymon’s conflicting feelings towards the things happening to him at the hands of his mother and others, is something that is completely understandable. Unfortunately, this also led to him coping in really harmful ways, such as restricting himself and also binge eating (23; 47). It’s interesting how instead of lashing out at the people who harmed him, he chose to harm himself. 

Most of the time Laymon makes constant reference to how he was conscious of and hateful of his body. He chose to take things out on his body because he had this idea that it was the cause of most of his issues. If he didn’t look the way he did, maybe he would be loved, “Renata decided not to be my girlfriend anymore… I knew it was because my legs were fat and I made her breasts smell like pork chops, rice, and gravy the first time she pushed them in my mouth,” (24). Being a Black boy from Mississippi who also happened to be fat took a serious toll on Laymon’s self image and how he perceived others thoughts about him. What I find even more heartbreaking about this particular instance is that Renata was not his girlfriend, she was a sexual predator who took advantage of an insecure 12-year-old. Laymon is completely misguided about his struggles, but as a 12-year-old it’s hard to know what really is the problem. Despite being traumatized by those around him, he still tries to find a way to explain the pain he’s experiencing because he doesn’t understand how bad it is. It’s really unfortunate that this is what he had to go through as a young boy.

Not only does Laymon refer to his own pain and trauma, but he also touches on the things others experience. What really stood out to me is when he writes about knowing the different forms of oppression that go on in the world (pp. 27-28). Throughout these pages he does give examples of the pain that people cause one another because of their positions of power. I liked how he didn’t only focus on his pain but also the pain of those around him. More often than not, the things that we witness change our outlooks on things and I think that’s why Laymon was able to become so knowledgeable about why the things he was seeing were wrong. He felt within himself that these things were off, even if this is what we are taught is right. As he says on page 10, “we are studious children of this nation,” all of our harmful traits are what we are taught from a young age. I think that he understood that his mother beating him is something that she learned, and it’s why he continued to love her despite all of the pain and trauma she caused him. I hope that throughout the rest of the book we can see how Laymon’s evolution is shaped by his life experiences and how he changes when it comes to addressing his pain and trauma.

Kiese Laymon’s Heavy

Throughout the video Kiese Laymon | Heavy: An American Memoir, Laymon reads a chapter from his book Heavy. He describes the chapter as being a very emotional one, and what he reads delves into the relationship with his mother and other things, such as self image. During questioning he explains why he wrote the book as a letter to his mother and also the purpose of Heavy as a means of talking about love. Through watching this video, I came to understand why he titled his memoir heavy. It speaks about difficult subjects, but he also mentioned how he wanted to feel “heavier” which I took to mean that he wanted to feel substantive by writing to his mom and speaking to the audience with his writing. It served as motivation for him. I think that this source is reliable because it is a video of Laymon himself reading and speaking about Heavy. It serves as an informative source for people who have read or are planning to read the memoir, and it allows people to hear from the author himself.

Strand Book Store. (2018, October 31). Kiese Laymon | Heavy: An American Memoir [Video]. YouTube. https://youtu.be/_w7xkpQnr24