Tag Archives: Heavy

Heavy: Identity & Social Expectations

In the second part of the book, black abundance, readers can see Laymon’s character development. We see his development as a writer when he began to use writing as a way to make sense of his life and what is going on around him. As he is revising, he is forced to sit down and reflect on those events.

Laymon is constantly surrounded by social expectations. As a black person in a predominately white private school, teachers and students expected him to be dumb. Laymon and his black friends would play into this by making up contractions and purposely saying them out loud. Laymon also faces social expectations as a black man to date a black girl instead of a white girl. His relationship with Abby Claremont was disapproved on both sides of the family and most likely race. It was interesting to see that Laymon was called a “sellout” by his friend as if his race was defined by who he dates and how he acts. Similarly, Taulsan also struggles with her social expectations as a male. As mentioned in Kevin’s Post on gender expectations, Taulsan was expected to be masculine. Hence, she would work out in the gym to have that idealized muscular body shape. Both Laymon and Taulsan tried to follow their social expectations but they are miserable as a result.

Grits

“When I saw your face so close to his gun, I wanted to snatch it and melt it into black grits. Ever since police started approaching me more often in Mississippi, I wanted the power to melt every gun in the world into black grits.” (Heavy, Kiese Laymon p. 81)

In this second section of the memoir Heavy, Kiese Laymon details his experience with Maryland police while he and his mother were there for a basketball game. Immediately after getting pulled over, Laymon recalls his mother demanding him to comply with the police and give them no room to have reason to cause any harm. When the officer kneels down, Laymon is not only fear stricken, but angered as well because of how close the gun is to his mother’s face. He’s had an increasing number of run-ins with police, most likely due to the suspicion surrounding tall, husky, black men. But he also knows from his teachings that any wrong move can be justification for some officers to shoot, which is why he wishes to have the power to turn all guns into disintegrated black grits so that they no longer have the power to kill or inflict harm onto black bodies.

Police brutality is a major issue on the forefront of the nation especially in more recent years, with more media coverage being given to the black lives matter movement which began to protest the use of unnecessary force against black people in America. Failure to comply with law enforcement, or in some cases, even complying with law enforcement can still result in being a victim of police brutality as those in power often abuse their power and privilege. Due to this problem, Black Americans are taught from a young age to proceed with extreme caution, and always make their intentions clear when dealing with law enforcement, as even just the slightest moves can truly mean the difference between life or death.

Manipulative Liar

The night Kamala Lackey told me her secrets, I promised I’d never sexually violate or sexually abuse any woman or girl on earth. The existence of that promise was enough to excuse myself for lying to Abby Claremont and any other girl who wanted to have sex with me.
Laymon, 2018, 103

This particular section was a lot to take on. Laymon discusses his relationships with women and how he treats them. In the quote above, he touches on his promise to never secually abuse/violate women or girls. Throughout “Hulk” Laymon brings up all of the situations where the girls around him would want to have sexual intercourse while they were drunk and how uncomfortable it made him, “Usually, I said no because my body told me it was wrong” (94). His understanding of consent and how the lines get blurry when one is drunk made Laymon disregard all of the advances women made towards him while intoxicated. I wonder if a part of this came to be because of the things he saw occurring at Beulah Beauford’s house. While he was mindful of keeping his hands to himself during these moments, it didn’t stop him from hurting women in other ways.

Although Laymon promises to never hurt women sexually, he still allows himself to hurt them by becoming a liar. I feel like the most unnerving part about him lying was that he took pleasure in it. When Laymon is crying over Abby, he tells his mother that it’s because her and his father didn’t try to make it work. When she begins to cry and apologize, it makes him “smile and tell more lies” (98). Now he’s lying to his mother and all the other women and girls in his life. He is being encased in toxicity and gets pleasure from it. Since no one knew the truth about what he was doing he was still allowed to be and looked at as a “good guy” (103). It’s shocking that he is only sixteen years old and doing all of this. The contrast between 12-year-old Kiese and 16-year-old Kiese is staggering. The signs of being a liar have always been there since he was young, back then he would lie to save himself from trauma and I think that his trauma is still shaping his actions at this stage, however, it doesn’t excuse the pain he is and will cause to others.

I don’t know what Laymon was trying to convey by explaining that he wouldn’t take advantage of women sexually, but that he was also a liar. I think that in a way this is to show that at the end of the day he is just a human who has flaws. He isn’t a superhero like Hulk, there will be many things that he does that are wrong from a moral standpoint. Also, since he is writing this memoir as a letter to his mother, it might serve as an exposé of sorts. He’s letting her know all of the harm that he caused people because he enjoyed lying to women. I wonder how long he will continue to thrive off of being a manipulative liar throughout this memoir.

HEAVY: Blog Post 1

After reading the first 62 pages of the memoir “Heavy” many things have stood out to me. For example, the whole memoir is being spoken to Kiese’s mother who he expresses as “you”. Being that Kiese writes about his trauma and pain in this book it can be foreshadowed that he never confide himself with his mother. Therefore, he is writing this story to her. I found it very interesting that in the beginning Kiese said that “I wanted to write a lie (page 1). He did not want to say what he truly wanted to say however, he does. Kiese’s relationship with his mother is a complicated one to interpret. In some points of the the reading it can easily be shown the love she has for him however, that love seems to vanish during some points. On page 4 Kiese even says “I realized that day we didn’t simply love each other, but I was your child”. While his mother’s love might not come from affection and kindness, she shows her care and love of her son in preparing him for the harsh realities of life the best way she knew. This being education and making sure Kiese has a laboratory to work with words.

Kiese’s relationship with his grandmother is very different than the one he has with his mother. She is much more caring and does not beat Kiese. He is able to speak and ask his grandma many questions which shows his comfortability to confide in her. Throughout all the trauma and pain he experiences as a child it can be said that his grandmother is his rock and helps him feel better.

Heavy: A deeply personal memoir

In the first few pages of Heavy, I immediately noticed that this memoir is deeply personal and touches the reader’s heart. Laymon uses daily day-to-day language form in simple sentences. He writes in a way that addresses his mother as his first intended audience. Through this way of writing, it is as if readers are listening in to what Laymon has to say to his mother, his closest friend, and everything in the entire world.

Due to the fact that Laymon’s father does not seem to be present in his life, Laymon is deeply close to his mother and sees her as his closest companion. Laymon and his mother are almost like friends as exemplified through their actions such as going to the casino behind the grandmother’s back and playing tennis (Laymon, p.3-4). Despite the close relationship Laymon has with his mother, his mother is not without flaws. Laymon’s mother deeply cares about Laymon by protecting him from white people. She tells him to avoid contractions when speaking and disapproves of his relationship with a white girl we know later in the book. These things that his mother does to protect stem from the fact that she deeply cares about him. However, they can be damaging to their relationship as well. Hence, Laymon decides to write the truth instead of a “lie.” (Laymon, p.1) Even though it is hard and Laymon wanted to write about shallow topics, he is still determined to talk about the hard truth.

Laymon, Kiese. (2018). Heavy. New York, NY: Scribner

Thick, Black Skin

“Our heart meat was so thick. Once punctured, though we waltzed those hearts into war without a plan of escape… We heaved like two hulks.”

(Heavy- Kiese Laymon, Page 4)

The strong black woman or man trope is one that simultaneously helps and hurts black people as evident by this statement made by Laymon. He says the hearts of him and his mothers’ were thick, meaning they often powered through the struggles and emotional distress that occured in their lives. There is no escape from the stressors as it was difficult to find healthy outlets to cope. They often suppressed their traumas which was repeated behavior, which really does begin to weigh heavily on a person regardless of how emotionally resilient you think you are. He then goes on to say that black people are almost superhuman like- hints the hulk reference, and you have to be unbreakable in order to carry on in this world.

Trauma is something that almost all people endure at least once in their lifetime. Some more than others but it is not always easy to recover from. Laymon references the expectations casted by society and even other black people that black Americans are supposed to have “thick skin.” There is this notion about the black community that you must be strong all the time. You mustn’t tell anyone if you’re going through hard times or that you need help. Because of this, a lot of black Americans have deep rooted issues, traumas and emotional and physical scars due to the fact that they’re seen as weak by actually processing the pain that they’re experiencing. It is expected that you internalize trauma and simply move on, but it is clear that this behavior is very destructive to the black body and mind.

The Weight Of Reality

“I wanted to write a lie” (Laymon, 2018 pg 1)

Kiese Laymon”s book heavy is a memoir, written in the form of a letter to his mother. He begins the story by telling his mother that he wanted to write a lie. This quickly sets the tone for the upcoming story and the chapters ahead. By stating that he wanted to write a lie he is admitting that it would be easier on him and his mother. This illustrates the heaviness and harshness of his reality.

In the first 62 pages he discusses relationship with his body. Throughout the book we see him struggle with body image to the point where he wondered what was wrong with him. We see him repeat the phrase “I hated my body” (Laymon, 2018 pg 47) he had internalized the idea that the root of his problem was his image. We see this when he discusses the topic of sex with Renata. He states “when she came over and didn’t choke me or ask me to keep it straight, I wondered what was wrong with me. I always assumed it was because my thighs and calves weren’t muscly enough. On those days when we she didn’t touch me, I didn’t eat or drink and I did calf raises and squats bathroom till I cramped.” Not only those this show his relationship with his body, it also shows the correlation between his relationship with sex, his body, and food.

“my body knew the things my mouth couldn’t, and maybe wouldn’t express” (Laymon, 2018 pg 27)

Ultimately, the first 68 pages are about the traumatic experiences Laymon body experienced and although he at the time was not able to articulate through words despite his mothers’ linguistic teachings, his body was telling that story for him.

Laymon, Kiese. (2018). Heavy. New York, NY: Scribner

Exhibiting Pain and Trauma

Days, and often hours, before you beat me, you touched me so gently. You told me you loved me… You made me feel like the most beautiful black boy in the history of Mississippi until you didn’t.
Laymon, 2018, p. 5

Throughout the first 62 pages, Laymon touches on the various forms of pain and trauma he witnessed and experienced. While he touches on the love he received from his mother and grandmother, the suffering he encountered seemed to weigh more heavily on my mind. As Laymon alludes to in the quote on page 5, the pain that one feels when it’s inflicted by someone they know is supposed to love them hurts more than anything else. Laymon’s conflicting feelings towards the things happening to him at the hands of his mother and others, is something that is completely understandable. Unfortunately, this also led to him coping in really harmful ways, such as restricting himself and also binge eating (23; 47). It’s interesting how instead of lashing out at the people who harmed him, he chose to harm himself.

Most of the time Laymon makes constant reference to how he was conscious of and hateful of his body. He chose to take things out on his body because he had this idea that it was the cause of most of his issues. If he didn’t look the way he did, maybe he would be loved, “Renata decided not to be my girlfriend anymore… I knew it was because my legs were fat and I made her breasts smell like pork chops, rice, and gravy the first time she pushed them in my mouth,” (24). Being a Black boy from Mississippi who also happened to be fat took a serious toll on Laymon’s self image and how he perceived others thoughts about him. What I find even more heartbreaking about this particular instance is that Renata was not his girlfriend, she was a sexual predator who took advantage of an insecure 12-year-old. Laymon is completely misguided about his struggles, but as a 12-year-old it’s hard to know what really is the problem. Despite being traumatized by those around him, he still tries to find a way to explain the pain he’s experiencing because he doesn’t understand how bad it is. It’s really unfortunate that this is what he had to go through as a young boy.

Not only does Laymon refer to his own pain and trauma, but he also touches on the things others experience. What really stood out to me is when he writes about knowing the different forms of oppression that go on in the world (pp. 27-28). Throughout these pages he does give examples of the pain that people cause one another because of their positions of power. I liked how he didn’t only focus on his pain but also the pain of those around him. More often than not, the things that we witness change our outlooks on things and I think that’s why Laymon was able to become so knowledgeable about why the things he was seeing were wrong. He felt within himself that these things were off, even if this is what we are taught is right. As he says on page 10, “we are studious children of this nation,” all of our harmful traits are what we are taught from a young age. I think that he understood that his mother beating him is something that she learned, and it’s why he continued to love her despite all of the pain and trauma she caused him. I hope that throughout the rest of the book we can see how Laymon’s evolution is shaped by his life experiences and how he changes when it comes to addressing his pain and trauma.

Pick A Book Activity

What goes into one’s decision when it comes to picking a book to read? Is it based on how captivating the cover is, or how interesting the synopsis is? There are so many reasons as to why someone picks a certain book to read over another. In this case, books that deal with how we handle complicated human relationships and try to resolve the conflicts that arise is what compels me to read a book. I would like to read Kiese Laymon’s Heavy because this memoir allows us to learn about a narrative that is oftentimes overlooked. It delves into the struggles of trauma, the reality of being a Black boy and man in America, and the emotional turmoil our relationships can put us through. I think that by reading this memoir we can come to understand not only Laymon’s reality, but possibly the realities of others going through similar situations as well.

There were many reasons that went into my decision to read Heavy. When we were completing the judge a book by its cover activity, the synopsis and the reviews immediately caught my attention. Words such as “fearlessly”, “defiant”, “vulnerable”, along with many others were used to describe Laymon’s memoir. These words explain to the reader that this will be a very raw and emotional story that explores different aspects of Laymon’s life. Just from this initial exposure to the book, it’s easy to become curious about the struggles that Laymon went through to have this memoir be labelled as powerful and provocative. In addition, when reading a review about the memoir, this view that Laymon was completely honest about his story is further driven home. This was done in the hopes of relaying his trauma and freeing himself from it (Key, 2019). Writing can become therapeutic, especially when it pertains to such a serious topic. The desire to read this memoir doesn’t only have to do with his struggles, but also the way he used this as an opportunity to address things that were weighing heavily on his mind.

While learning more about Heavy, I was captivated by Laymon’s storytelling surrounding his interpersonal relationships and how he navigated them. In order to get a better understanding of the author’s work, we were told to read another piece of writing from the various authors. “Quick Feet” details Laymon’s stay with his grandmother and his vulnerable interaction with her. He explains how although he loved his grandmother, he hated having to stay at her house for various reasons. One of those reasons being that he hated seeing her work for a white family. Although this family had the means to afford a washer and dryer, they still made his grandmother wash their filthy clothing . This all led to him resenting the white family, but his grandmother made him understand that this was, unfortunately, one of the only ways to survive in Mississippi (Laymon, 2018). In the same piece, he also addresses how he came to confide in his grandmother about his sexual and physical abuse. It was difficult to do, and his grandmother’s reaction to this was kind of cryptic, but it was a start on his journey of becoming honest about these things. He felt that he could be honest with her because they loved each other. It’s clear that if he didn’t feel safe with her he probably wouldn’t have confessed. Throughout the memoir, he touches on other relationships with those around him and I’m looking forward to seeing how he writes about these relationships. The short snippets that I have read have been very emotional and vulnerable in nature. Laymon’s willingness to address these topics, despite how serious, makes his memoir more compelling and increases my desire to read it.

Additionally, Laymon’s honesty in telling his story really motivated me to want to read his memoir. While doing the internet assignment, I came across a video of Laymon reading a chapter from his book and then proceeding to answer questions from this audience. Laymon didn’t shy away from the questions that some might label too sensitive. He wanted to get his point across that honesty was the only way to address past struggles even if it was hard to say the words most times. Laymon acknowledged that it’s not often that Black men write stories about love and trauma, and that he wanted Heavy to serve as a story about just that (Strand Book Store, 2018). It’s difficult to find a memoir by a Black man that touches on these subject matters, so it’s important to read these types of narratives to show that people are willing to listen. As Laymon states in the same video, he wanted to feel “heavier” and substantive which is why he shared his story. A whole lot of people and their experiences go unheard of and ignored because they’re hesitant to share stories similar to Laymon’s. This is why it’s important to pay attention to these narratives and uplift the authors who write uncommon memoirs. We can help people with similar experiences become “heavier” as Laymon said, and we can come to understand the realities of people who are typically ignored. Laymon’s honesty serves to make people understand and connect to his story, and this along with the fact that it’s an uncommon narrative are some of the many reasons why I would like to read his memoir.

It’s sometimes hard to pinpoint what exactly makes one want to read a book. In the case of Kiese Laymon’s Heavy, the fact that it’s an uncommon narrative and it addresses various, serious topics makes me more interested in reading it. Hopefully, reading this book will allow us to learn about the struggles he underwent and also understand stories from people who aren’t usually in the spotlight.

Bibliography

Key, J. (2019). Kiese Laymon. Heavy. Prairie Schooner, 93(2), 189. https://link.gale.com/apps/doc/A607709278/AONE?u=cuny_ccny&sid=bookmark-AONE&xid=cd36a34e

Laymon, K. (2018). Quick Feet. The Virginia Quarterly Review, 94(3). https://www.vqronline.org/memoir-articles/2018/10/quick-feet

Strand Book Store. (2018, October 31). Kiese Laymon | Heavy: An American Memoir [Video]. YouTube. https://youtu.be/_w7xkpQnr24

Kiese Laymon’s Heavy

Throughout the video Kiese Laymon | Heavy: An American Memoir, Laymon reads a chapter from his book Heavy. He describes the chapter as being a very emotional one, and what he reads delves into the relationship with his mother and other things, such as self image. During questioning he explains why he wrote the book as a letter to his mother and also the purpose of Heavy as a means of talking about love. Through watching this video, I came to understand why he titled his memoir heavy. It speaks about difficult subjects, but he also mentioned how he wanted to feel “heavier” which I took to mean that he wanted to feel substantive by writing to his mom and speaking to the audience with his writing. It served as motivation for him. I think that this source is reliable because it is a video of Laymon himself reading and speaking about Heavy. It serves as an informative source for people who have read or are planning to read the memoir, and it allows people to hear from the author himself.