“You are also my mother and I am your son. Please do not be mad at me, Mama. I am just trying to put you where I bend. I am just trying to put us where we bend.” page 241
After finishing Kiese’s memoir and reading the last line he wrote which is above I now know the purpose he wrote this book for his mother to read. It was not to degrade her on how she raised him or to show her all the mistakes she has done. He wrote this for her so they both can finally realize that in order for them to end the cycle they have constantly been on. They must first begin by being honest with each other. This was one of the most disheartening thing I came across when reading this book. The amount of times a mother would lie to her son and the amount of times a son would lie to his mother. These lies led to both of them to use each other for money, fear, etc. Even with all the lies and deception Kiese still loves his mother. He just wants her to understand where she went wrong and begin being honest with him. Only when that is accomplished can they finally grow together as not only family but as friends.
Upon finishing Heavy, I have a greater appreciation for the way Laymon ended the book. Picking up from his eating and exercise addiction in part 3, Laymon did not write about how he immediately fixed his problem in part 4. In fact, Laymon became anorexic, weighing 159 pounds with 2 percent body fat (p.207). I was surprised as I read this because I was wondering if Laymon plans on ending his memoir in a somewhat happy conclusion. As I continue to read, however, I realized that Laymon was resisting the “deficit narrative.”
Laymon remained authentic by not framing his story into the traditional mold of a deficit narrative. He had eating disorder but he did not immediately recover into a lean person. In fact, he gained more weight and was in even more misery. He also became addicted to gambling like his mother. Laymon had a heart-felt conversation with his mother about his weigh and addiction. In some ways, we can see the conversation as useless because both continue to struggle with their addiction and did not fully open up to each other about their thoughts. On the other hand, we can see that conversation as the beginning of a journey where true communication happens. This conversation opened up the relationship between the two and eventually helped Laymon to write his memoir. What I liked about the memoir is that is feels very real and raw. Laymon honestly show readers people’s persistent struggles and flaws.
While reading the final section of Heavy, I just felt shocked because it felt like I was witnessing history repeat itself. From a young age, Laymon’s mother had pushed for him to be excellent and would punish him whenever she felt disappointed, but she herself was just as flawed as he was. Not only that, but her harmful flaws and addictions seemed to be passed down to Laymon. Earlier on in the book, Laymon wrote about how he saw his mom gamble away a lot of money while they were in Las Vegas, and how she would continue to do this for a long time. Unfortunately, as an adult Laymon also developed the same gambling habits his mother had developed when he was a child. Even after throwing away who knows how many thousands of dollars and promising Flora that he wouldn’t return to the casino (220) he still did. A positive that came out of this situation was that Laymon was able to make amends with his mother and they promised each other that they would get better and she even promised to get help for her addiction (229). While Laymon was honest about never going back to a casino, it seems that his mother was never able to battle her addiction completely, so she continued lying to Laymon. Even when they were laying out all of their problems to each other, they continued to lie to each other, in turn continuing to hurt each other.
In a way this section really exemplifies how much Laymon is like his mother. They both struggled with addiction and constantly lied and hurt the people they loved. It makes sense that Laymon was hesitant about bringing a child into this world because he was afraid he would hurt them just like his mother and the world had hurt him (230). He was still suffering from years of trauma and still doesn’t understand how to deal with it in the healthiest way possible, a lot of people wouldn’t admit that willingly. After everything, I think the ending is quite ambiguous and that’s most likely because Laymon doesn’t know where exactly his story will go. Writing about everything that he went through might make his healing experience easier, but he can also continue to make the same mistakes, after all he seems to still be caught up in this never ending cycle of pain just like his mother.
“I wasn’t sure who I really was, but I understood where I was”. (Page 126)
Kiese now attending college begins to struggle with finding his own identity in a school thats filled with people who do not want to see him succeed. Having freedom away from his mother since she left for school he has to become his own man. In the beginning Kiese uses this freedom to eat an abnormal amount of food and gains a ton of weight. After reading this I felt as if Kiese was lost, and was eating his way out of his problems. It’s only until he is almost 300 pounds his friend Ray Gunn asked if he was depressed. This is a topic Kiese never thought about growing up however, it is something the reader can see. In school Kiese began bringing in multiple books that have nothing to do with the lesson to show his white classmates and his teacher he reads more than them. This goes back to the quote I chose where he said he did not know who he was but where he was. Kiese knew his teachers and classmates wanted to see him fail so he wanted to show them that he is not some dumb kid from Jackson. A major turning point I found in the text was in page 139 when Kiese grabs the belt his mother was beating him with and threw it down. This was the first time Kiese stood up for himself and did not just let his mother beat him. I believe this action begins to give Kiese his identity. He begins working out and losing a lot of weight, he even writes an essay about the racism at Millsaps college for a newspaper. Kiese begins to find himself as someone fighting back for the things he believes in.
In the third section of the book, Laymon describes his experience in Millsaps college. His initial reaction was an overwhelming sense of freedom away from his mother. Laymon is trying to develop his sense of identity in this new environment. In high school, he hung around with people in his community and purposely use contractions to strengthen that identity. However, he was told by his surrounding peers that he should begin to use words like “fantastic” if he wants to blend in with the overwhelmingly white majority in Millsaps.
Laymon tries to make sense of the experiences in his life such as learning about patriarchy, feminism, racism, etc. He tries to make sense of them on paper but also in real life as well. Laymon tries to build up his self-worth through writing papers on Millsaps’ institutional racism which displeased many people, including his mother. I think in Laymon’s perspective, he is trying to make sense of why his mother who encouraged him to write for his people would ask him to stop writing. Laymon has always been a big writer throughout his life and he has experienced many things. Writing has been a way for him to internalize his experiences and use them in a way to uplift people in his community. I think Laymon is trying to build his self-worth in this way. Of course, we see that he still struggles with his self-image as he develops an eating and exercise addiction.
“Any real change implies the breakup of the world as one has always known it, the loss that one an identity, the end of safety”. (Laymon 2018)
This passage in the book stands out out to me because this seems to be one of the center points of the book as well as this section of the book. We have followed laymon’s story as a person of color who has lived in a toxic environment most of his life and a world that makes it feel impossible to strive. We see him constantly trying to change the world he lives in, to the point where he had to misdirect the people around him of who he is. This warps around full circle top beginning of book of him telling us that he wanted to write a lie. Writing a lie would be much safer than tackling the problems of systematic oppression like he did in Millsaps, which cause him to get literal death threats.
Laymon, Kiese. (2018). Heavy. New York, NY: Scribne
You marched into your room, went in the closet, and came out with a belt. You brought one lash down across my shoulder. You brought another lash down across the front of my stomach. You went on and on about ruining the only chance I had to get free.
Laymon, 2018, 138
Oberlin College’s Mudd Library
Laymon writes a lot about making huge advancements but then eventually crashing. The prejudices his professors and other classmates felt towards him and the other, few, Black students was extremely prevalent. They were accused of plagiarizing in English classes more than once (125). It’s clear that this PWI that touted itself as a liberal college, was run and occupied by racists. They didn’t even need to hide their racism because they knew they would face no consequences since they were the majority and this was their regular routine. To me at least, it’s clear that Laymon’s grades suffered because of everything he was enduring at this school. Not only was he being subjected to racism and death threats by his fellow schoolmates, he was also facing inner turmoil and hurting himself in various ways. This was not an easy experience for him, and his grades and his body suffered because of it.
When reading the quote on page 138, I just felt shocked. Laymon has already established that his mother would abuse him if he didn’t do the things she felt were right, but the fact that she still beat him after everything he had gone through was unbelievable. Especially since she had commented on his weight gain beforehand, you would think that she would connect the dots about why he had gained so much weight and had done badly in school. He had been successful and was able to publish different works of his in the school newspaper, but everything else he did was disappointing. He flew too close to the sun and was punished for it, by those unknown to him and those who were supposed to love him no matter what. Punishing him for what she sees as shortcomings and failures is why he’s the way he is. He will not be molded into this perfect person, because a perfect person does not exist. At the end of this section, it’s just clear that he needs more help than he’s ever gotten and a lovinghand that doesn’t come with abuse.
In part two of the book Heavy, the section called Gumption we see how Kiese’s writing is influenced. “I didn’t understand the differences between “writing to” and “writing for” anyone.”(Laymon 106). When he referenced Ms. Walker’s speech he took notice of these four words that he quoted. He kept coming back to those words in his head trying to make sense of them. This influenced his writing because we see the determination in Laymon to try and understand how he could write to and for his people with his work. This is a big step in his direction of becoming a writer and plays a heavy role. The understanding of writing to and for his people helped shaped this book through talking about his life experiences so he can connect to his community and help other outside of it understand what it’s like.
In part one of the book Heavy, there is a section called Be. In this section Laymon encounters a Mumford boy. The boy offers Kiese to shoot squirrels with him but Kiese tells him how he’s not allowed to shoot. After Kiese told his grandma about what the Mumford boy had told him she said to him “These white folk, they liable to have us locked up under the jail Kie.”(Laymon 52). This is a significant part in the book because his grandma explains the power of the Mumford’s and other people like them. This helps Kiese understand what place he’s in and how he could be seen by these people which is nothing more than a threat. He leads on by talking about stealing their food and he has to be reminded of why he can’t do that. This part of the section caught my eye because it was the first piece of writing I had read by Laymon in the beginning of the year which gravitated me towards reading Heavy.
When going to a new school which is predominately white Kiese and some of his friends from Jackson go through multiple struggles. Its at this school where Kiese gets his first girlfriend who was a white girl named Abby Claremont. Their relationship was one that was not approved by either his or her family and friends. Kiese’s friend Lathon called him a “sellout” and a “sucker” for dating a white girl. And Abby’s parents did not approve their daughter dating a black boy. What I find interesting is that I believe Kiese knows deep down that their relationship will end badly however, he still wants to be with her since she is his first girlfriend. He knows this because he even stated on page 103 that since the time he started dating her he has become a liar, a cheater, and a manipulator.
Kiese is afraid of ending things with Abby because she claims she loves him. That is a feeling Kiese has desperately wanted in his life. The feeling of being loved by someone other than his mother or grandmother. Kiese’s mother however, tells Kiese the truth about Abby. That being that she does not truly love him but she loves the feeling of dating a black boy and making her parents angry. Kiese continues to see Abby without telling his mom but even he begins to see the cultural differences. This being when Kiese saw on the news a black man being beat up by white officers. Kiese did not want to open up to Abby because he knew she would not be able to feel what he felt.
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