Tag Archives: Fairest

Fairest: Crossing Bridges and What Ifs

“Yet maybe I needed to cross this many bridges to get to a state where even if there emerged other bridges I would want to traverse, I was finally satisfied with staying put, because I now know there’s no such thing as the single best, the single fairest life” (Talusan, 2021, p. 308)

For the final section of pages— coming towards the end of the book— Talusan reflects a lot on her journey to embracing herself without caring about anyone’s opinions. One thing that I’ve seen her do throughout the book is touch on the idea of “What if.” Starting from when Nanny Coro advised her to go to America instead of staying with her in her hometown because she might regret it later. Even though staying in the Philippines is what Talusan really wanted to do. All the “bridges” she crossed— as she likes to use as symbolism— made it hard for her to return to the way she was before. She says she could’ve “stayed in the Philippines and become a doctor,” or stay with Ralph as a man, and this would’ve been a happy life (Talusan, 2021, p. 307). However, when she chose her decision in these situations, it was hard to come back to this “could’ve” that didn’t become a reality. She ends the book by saying that no matter how difficult it was, it was necessary to cross these bridges— these obstacles, because now she “was finally satisfied with staying put” (Talusan, 2021, p. 308). She was finally at a place where she felt like she could stay, even if it’s not the fairest because there’s no such thing. The way the book ended inspired me to take a look at my life differently. I’m very similar to her where I fear being judged. But I’m not staying put in this uncomfortable position. I’m working on ignoring what other people think about me, and just do what I do without a care in the world. I shouldn’t have to mold myself in order to fit into the social norms just to satisfy others.

Bridge

Citations

Gallagher, C. (2012). Bridge. [Image] Flickr. https://flic.kr/p/cfM4Dj. 

Talusan, M. (2021). Fairest: A memoir. Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition

Is It Worth Sacrificing?

The last part of Talusan’s story focused on her journey to realizing what she wants for herself and going through with transitioning to be a woman. She began content with her life with Ralph and started getting into artistic hobbies, such as photography, when her writing wasn’t getting accepted anywhere. She got curious about herself and the inner part of herself that needed to be feminine and feel beautiful. This confusion and constant battle within herself led to many obstacles, such as Ralph taking issue with her wearing make-up when going out to see his friends and her falling for Richard, a straight man that their mutual friend began dating. Everything ended up falling apart, with her losing close friends and not understanding what she wants. It wasn’t until looking at a photograph of herself that she realized she wanted to be a woman, not partly but whole. Her decision cost her Ralph since he couldn’t be with a woman. She reflected upon her path and paths that could have been taken, only to realize she would rather have gone down this path to be her true self, even if she could have been happy in the other paths.

Talusan had to sacrifice a lot during her journey towards discovering herself. She sacrificed her love with Ralph in order for her to be a whole woman. This sacrifice hurt her and Ralph and she even considered not going through with the transition for him. However, she states “I would lose the person I love most, so I could love myself better.” (Talusan, 2020, pp. 283). She benefitted from the transition by allowing herself to be free instead of still being restricted as a feminine man. Society wouldn’t accept her that way, so although she loses Ralph, she can be free.

Transitioning involves making lots of sacrifices. Friends can be lost, people can view you differently, or in Talusan’s case, you can lose the one person you love in the world. I had to think of it all as I contemplated if this was even a good decision or not. Would the consequences benefit me more? Or would it hurt me and everyone else more? Would I be beautiful and flourish? Or will society just throw me under the bus even more for the way I look? Does this mean the sacrifice was never worth it at all? In the end, I chose to not risk it. I had to sacrifice a lot to get to where I am now. To sacrifice the way Talusan had, I will never have that type of strength. While I don’t agree with her decisions for parts of the book, I respect her will to make herself happy so she doesn’t have to hide for the rest of her life like others will. Like I probably will.

Carulmare. (2008). CARAVAGGIO Sacrifice of Isaac, 1601-02 [Online image]. Flickr. https://www.flickr.com/photos/8545333@N07/2236990792

Talusan, M. (2020). Fairest: A Memoir (pp. 230-308). Penguin Books.

Man holding down his son with a knife in his hand as an angel grabs his arm to stop him.
The biblical story of a father sacrificing his son for God. How much can someone sacrifice before it’s too much? Image credit: “CARAVAGGIO Sacrifice of Isaac, 1601-02” by carulmare is licensed under CC BY 2.0

Fairest: Social Norms

“And if she ever hid who she actually was, it was only so that she could be granted entrance into worlds she couldn’t otherwise reach, worlds that should rightfully belong to everyone, not just those who happen to uphold the prevailing standards of whiteness and womanhood” (Talusan, 2021, p.167)

As I was reading this week’s chapters, I was amazed by how Talusan— as the narrator, was opening herself to the reader more and more. Even though she still struggles to be open about herself to the people around her, I— as a reader— am able to understand why she’s having difficulty expressing her past. Obviously, when we hide something, we have a reason to do so, either good or bad. This quote had me reflecting about how many standards this world has. We all live on the same planet together, yet everyone in different locations have so many expectations whether about gender, personalities, or race. Talusan happens to struggle finding this sense of belonging. Born as a man, she’s supposed to be more masculine as society expects men to be, but she leans more towards being more feminine, which to her feels like she has to hide it from her family in order to avoid judgement.

I relate to her in finding this sense of belonging. I remember in middle school, I would see my classmates be so extroverted and open with each other, meanwhile, I was the quiet one. Even the teacher wondered why I didn’t talk a lot and asked me to join them on the dance floor in prom. I rejected her request and while I was sitting, I started questioning if I had to be someone like them in order to fit in instead of feeling like an outsider. Why did it annoy me every time someone asked me why I was so quiet? I didn’t know the answer during that time, but now, I know that it was because this made me feel like I needed to meet their expectations. I didn’t talk because I was shy, it was because I literally had nothing to talk about with the person. I didn’t dance because I was shy, it was because everyone on the dance floor wasn’t close to me in any way, so how could I feel comfortable to go there and dance? Sometimes, I did end up faking my personality to be this extroverted person people wanted me to be, but I knew that wasn’t me. I never enjoyed being that person. We shouldn’t have to be someone we’re not just to uphold the standards the people in this world want to consider “better.”

Citations

Talusan, M. (2021). Fairest: A memoir. Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition

*omar. (2007). Social Rejection. Flickr. Retrieved November 10, 2021, from https://www.flickr.com/photos/omernos/379393085/in/photolist-zwum6-2m3FxaT-2maBVzt-2kYWFFb-2iPq4SF-2jKwiXE-2kog9Bi-2jjpcrn-2iQtWbB-2m39P4e-2iuyGpx-2jTEYbo-2j8Rvvc-2iJTc2c-2jLuxDm-2jMrhM1-2iVHHqT-2iVDott-2jGDk65-2jMVh9v-2iNGvxH-2iTe11a-2jfHH2t-2ipz8sC-2ipz8ur-2jN6Pmv-2j9Nput-2hU2Rsj-2jggmVR-2iPs48L-2jLz28q-L2tkZd-2meVTHm-2ieoPoi-2jGgDFj-2jkhEom-2jCTR7p-2irgkgP-2ig9HZP-2igdenQ-4FDfqA-2jggmCX-2jACidm-2jDfSvN-2ig9J34-2hRpdAv-2hFNYZ9-2jQmCrY-2hJVJcC-2jQi5zu.

Gender Expectations Suck

Even today, the stereotypes and expectations for genders exist. Talusan had to continue to experience this as she continued and graduated from Harvard. These chapters focused on her dating (mostly hook up) experiences and her attempts to explore herself and what she wants when it comes to her femininity and the changes she feels after returning to the Philippines. While these chapters do lead to her thinking about being a woman (that she tries to push away since she thinks she should be happy at the moment), she never says she hates being a man. This conflict within herself is explored in greater depth as her thoughts of transitioning began.

Her happiness is interrupted with the thought of wanting to be a woman. It did make sense because she would express her desire to be more feminine and take the role of the woman in a relationship. However, on page 166, she says “Had I lived in a world where men were allowed to dress and behave like women without being scorned or punished, I wouldn’t have needed to be a woman at all.” (Talusan, 2020). Talusan expresses an interesting thought during this moment after she transitioned. She never stated once that she hated her gender. She only discussed society and how no matter what community, there is an expectation for men to be masculine. This expectation led to her to being obsessed with going to the gym and acting a certain way so that no one can judge her and take away any opportunities from her. As time went on, she allowed herself to be freer by dressing the way she wants and acting the way she wants. However, that never stopped her from feeling pressured to be someone she truly wasn’t. It would be easier to become a woman so that she can be feminine and not be judged for it.

This quote interested me because of how true it is today. While we claim to progress and be more open, we still have these expectations depending on what you have between your legs. I grew up with a father who wanted a masculine child (basically athletic, play sports, and can be the stereotypical guy). My brother and I weren’t that, but more so for me. This line made me think back to when I had thoughts of transitioning and It made me realize that if I could be who I wanted to be, not one of the guys but be one of the girls and learn everything feminine since it felt more right to me, then I wouldn’t have needed to think about it. Just a single line said so much to me as someone who had these expectations forced onto me. If I could didn’t get compared to other “men”, I probably would have accepted myself a long time ago.

Short, S. (2017). 10 steps to supporting a transitioning employee in your business [Online image]. face2faceHR. https://face2facehr.com/10-steps-supporting-transitioning-employee-business/

Sleepy Devil Vermilion. (2019). Ｔｈｅ Ｄｉｆｆｅｒｅｎｃｅ (Please Read. . ) [Online image]. Flickr. https://www.flickr.com/photos/xx_bd_hotshot_xx/48013067876/in/photolist-2g9Kwk7-2b4YU3y-25aGTSb-KVqd1a-9Vwm56-cqikzq-2kmT63P-7FVVyK-2mbr9cg-2jFi6QD-2mrodPc-2jQPBDJ-2jEYwuc-2jBxMRC-2k9K59Z-2ktN1t2-2jGFVH2-2msGNFg-2gge2it-RH1pEW-2i9YZT2-2kA8jF6-2ho5toi-2iLSRj4-2kAvasM-2kR3eL3-2jLr2g7-2kzPQjR-2dYL5ik-pwaZGv-gNwWL3-2gbbMFw-2kzr4Jn-2kBnjin-2m7k7u2-2huXJMF-2caJSAV-CDTK3h-2hpgetM-2gUdD2h-4U7WEv-2jqNJtr-oicu2d-2eQ76ZE-2hto6sZ-2hbLSLh-qm85hf-2hci248-xXfXk7-65jcfw/

Talusan, M. (2020). Fairest: A Memoir (pp. 150-229). Penguin Books.

Drawing of stick figure balancing on beam with symbols of male and female on both sides.
Confused about which side to fall on.
Ｔｈｅ Ｄｉｆｆｅｒｅｎｃｅ (Please Read. . )
“This is dedicated
to every human being
who looks different, feels different, and thinks differently.
I see you. I feel you. I am you.
Stay different. Our world needs
the difference we will make.” -Sleepy Devil Vermilion

Fairest: Choices & Personal Growth

““Your life will be better in America.” “You don’t know that,” I insisted, old enough to understand that Nanay Coro had no idea what America was really like, except for blind faith and colonial brainwashing” (Talusan, 2021, p. 100)

From the pages we read this week, I’ve come to see how Talusan has grown up. She’s made it clear how her understanding of many things has grown and how some of this influences her choices. Though there was one choice that really showed her growth in her understanding of America. At the beginning of the book, we see her fantasizing about going to America and being able to fit in with the people who look like her, in a place where she won’t be considered the different one. However, now that she has the choice to move to America, she doesn’t want to leave her grandmother at all. Nanay Coro comforts her and tells her to go because she will have a better life in America than in the Philippines. Talusan had already reflected upon gazing at the white man who helped them set up their documents, stating that she no longer liked the Americans “who every day decided on the fates of [them] brown people pleading to be let into their country, a situation they themselves created when they conquered [them] against [their] will, used [their] land and [their] hands for free to enrich themselves” (Talusan, 2021, p. 99). This whole piece is important to mention because this is her realization, the conclusion she came to after learning about American history. This is how she views them now, and the reason why she would rather stick with her roots instead of feeling like a traitor and going to America.

Another example of her growth is when she demonstrates how she’s come to understand why her parents act the way they do. Her father’s cruelty in Nanay Coro’s old age was revenge for ruining his life when she forced him to marry Talusan’s mother (Talusan, 2021, p. 91). He resented his mother a lot, and didn’t love the woman he married, which Talusan understood why he was absent in her childhood. On the other hand, with her mother, Talusan already knew her story, but didn’t understand until she got to America that her mother had no choice but to marry her father because she was already pregnant with Talusan, and in a culture “where unmarried mothers were the very symbol of moral failure” made it even harder for her to raise a child as a loving mother is supposed to (Talusan, 2021, p. 118). Although Talusan has come to understand the reasons behind her parents’ actions, it doesn’t change the way she feels about them. She’ll choose to understand them, but not forgive them. I believe that that right there shows her growth from the close-minded Filipino child she was at the beginning of the book to the more open-minded college student in America.

Citations
Talusan, M. (2021). Fairest: A memoir. Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

Special=White?

Everyone wants to be somebody special that everyone would like and want to be with. In reality, what makes people special depends on society and its biases. In these chapters of Fairest, Talusan struggles to accept travelling to America with her parents and siblings. She wanted to stay behind and live in the Philippines with her grandmother. Yet, her grandmother is the one to tell her she should go, which sent her down a path that not everyone can go down. While she is similar to other immigrants that travel to America for a chance at a better life, she found an advantage in her white skin.

Talusan was treated special and it shaped path. The first example would be Talusan’s grandmother, when Talusan writes “…who may have loved me regardless but favored me over everyone else because she connected my color to the wealthy, powerful Americans who had conquered our land.” (Talusan, 2020, pp. 91). Anyone would assume that her grandmother’s favoritism was just the matter of her love for Talusan. It is true she loves Talusan, however, she always brought up her skin being fair and beautiful. Her grandmother had believed that the ability to be perceived as white gave her the edge over everyone else. She thought one of the reasons Talusan will prosper is her skin. Her grandmother favored her, told her she’s special, and encouraged her to pursue a life in the U.S. It’s sad to even think that being white was a reason for it. It’s sadder that her grandmother wasn’t entirely wrong. She was seen as white and it helped her avoid discrimination against Asians.

Being treated special shaped Talusan’s decisions. Being praised for her whiteness made her try to be seen as white to everyone. She sometimes seems to forget that she isn’t white, such as when she was at a party and she said to herself “At least I’m not Asian.” (Talusan, 2020, pp. 120). She worked on her accent, her story, and even her clothes and hair to match other white people. She made sure that what her family said (that she would be seen as white) became a reality. It almost seems like she abandoned her old poorer self to be with the rich white Harvard students. This is significant because race has always been controversial and if being white means you’re special, would that make the rest of us not?

Moody, J. (2021). In fall 2019, 82% of accepted students enrolled at Harvard University in Massachusetts [Photograph]. U.S.News. https://www.usnews.com/education/best-colleges/articles/universities-colleges-where-students-are-eager-to-enroll

Talusan, M. (2020). Fairest: A Memoir (pp. 83-149). Penguin Books.

Universities, Colleges Where Students Are Eager to Enroll | Best Colleges | US News

Fairest: Point of the Story

“Except: I was no longer a son, no longer a man. I became more aware of this as groups of gay men, mostly aging or aged, circulated around me” – (Fairest, Meredith Talusan Page 14)

When Meredith states this in her memoir, it reminded me of the research I did about her beforehand. She said that in her book, she wanted to reveal all her obstacles in life and not just about her transition from being a man to a woman. This phrase proved that she did just that. She went straight to the point in the prologue, it didn’t take the whole book for the reader to find out about her transition. In other words, I can tell that the memoir as a whole will not be just focused on this type of transition, but in others as well.

Going forward into the reading, she starts speaking about the importance of beauty in everyone. Even how it affects the “gayness,” race, and femininity in a person. Before reading the book, based on the research we did, I already knew this was going to be one of her main points in the memoir. I just didn’t know how exactly she’d introduce the connection between beauty and being transgender. After reading this quote, it became clear to me as to how Talusan would write out her memoir. Not only would her book focus on becoming trans, but also on her past, and the obstacles she had to encounter as someone who didn’t accept themselves and basically had to lie to themselves.

BuzzFeed Hires Trans Writer And Activist Meredith Talusan | HuffPost Latest News

Stereotypes of Good Looks in Fairest

I am able to put myself in someone’s shoes, but I can’t always think the way others do completely because I can’t live the life they went through. This statement feels very accurate after reading the first four chapters of Fairest. I was able to see how Talusan grew up and how different it is being someone living in the Philippines and having albinism. The part of her story that interested me the most were the topics of how society perceives looks.

The world comes with lots of expectations and stereotypes that judgement feels natural to us. There are many people that Talusan meets that judge their own appearance. An example is from page 2, where a fellow Harvard alum named Kit Clark said, “The men keep getting younger and I’m only getting uglier.” and “My life is here. I accept that I’m undesirable.” (Talusan, 2020). Talusan takes the time to compare him to the stereotype for a black gay man that is considered hot. While Talusan is the one that is doing this, I wouldn’t be surprised if Clark did the same thing to himself. He not only views himself as ugly, but he states that he accepts it. While I always hear stories of people called ugly returning looking like a Greek God, I rarely ever hear about people like Clark. I can relate to him and his insecurities. Instead of following the stereotypes, he chooses to be himself. However, the jabs at himself concerning his looks shows that deep down, it bothers him.

Another example of judgement is when Nanay Coro, her grandmother, said “This is because you are fair and beautiful…not dark and ugly like me.” (Talusan, 2020, pp. 24). Her grandmother implied that she is beautiful because she looked white while everyone else was dark. If she were here, she would be judged for having albinism. However, in her community, her being white brought an advantage. It is also interesting to hear everyone connect the words “dark” and “ugly”. No matter what, no one ever says they are dark and beautiful. This shapes Talusan to enjoy the attention, especially since she was treated as the “chosen one” to leave for the United States. This is significant because it shows how different societies view beauty, yet we always obsess over it or give up on trying.

Citations

CNN Philippines Staff (2021). ‘Fairest’ writer talks about transitions, ‘confusing experiences’ in memoir [Photograph]. CNN Philippines. https://www.cnnphilippines.com/lifestyle/2021/7/13/Meredith-Talusan-Hanson-memoir.html

Talusan, M. (2020). Fairest: A Memoir (pp. 1-82). Penguin Books.

Fairest' writer talks about transitions, 'confusing experiences' in memoir

Pick A Book Activity

Many authors have their own unique ways to present themselves to the audience. To be more specific, their very own way to present their stories through their writing. In class we’ve been given the opportunity to do our research on any of these authors: Jaquira Diaz, Meredith Talusan, and Kiese Laymon, before choosing one of their books to read. At the beginning, I was interested in reading Ordinary Girls by Jaquira Diaz, but I found myself researching more about Meredith Talusan. I’ve come to the conclusion that I would like to read Fairest by Meredith Talusan because it will help me know more about the transgender population.

When I first laid eyes on the books, I really loved the color Talusan used for her book cover. Turns out there’s a meaning behind the way it is designed, which I learned while annotating the article named “The Cover of My Face,” written by Talusan herself. In the article, she expressed the idea of how so many trans authors would put their face on the cover of their memoirs, and it was a common trend. She did her own research and found out as to why this might be the case. To the authors, they are well aware that by putting their face in their covers, it attracts more people because they focus on the looks of the person. On the contrary, that’s not what Talusan wanted her readers to focus on. What I loved about her is the fact that she is capable of putting herself in her reader’s shoes in order to see what her readers would understand from her memoir. The eyelash on her cover is simple but it very well represents who she is even without a photo of herself. The white background also demonstrates how her skin is white and how even that factor takes a part of her life experience or transition.

According to her, her memoir is not only about her transition to becoming trans but also the many transitions she’s been through in her whole life. Madeline Ducharme, a Slate assistant producer for podcasts, had interviewed Talusan about her memoir and in the published online magazine, Talusan described that she felt pressured into writing her book only about her trans experience. At the time, she felt as though people were more interested in that subject and wouldn’t really care about anything else in her life. Just because she’s trans, it shouldn’t be the only reason as to why people are interested in her. She’s a human being, and she has gone through other problems she would love to share. I am glad that in the end, she did end up writing about her other transitions- besides becoming trans- in life like from being a rural to urban citizen, or from being poor to being in a relationship with someone rich. In her book I’m curious to see what other problems she encountered before discovering her gender identity. In other words, I’m genuinely curious about who she is because there just aren’t that many authors out there that care about their readers.

While reading a book review she read and wrote about, I analyzed the way she searched in depth of Sarah McBride’s way of writing. Many people would say that McBride’s important moments from her book was the fact that she made “public history” with it, however, what Talusan sees as her important moments is the many private moments McBride went through in her personal life with the people around her during her transition, you could say. For Talusan, it’s the fact that McBride was able to find her voice through her tough experiences. She continues and explains that this is what she would want the readers to focus on. She points out the different messages in the review in order to communicate just how the readers would interpret it. This caught my attention in general because if she pays attention to the interpretations the readers would make, then that means her goal in her memoir is to be able to speak the right message through to her audience.

Meredith Talusan picked a good book cover for her memoir Fairest because she caught my attention even without putting her face in it. After doing research on her, the symbolism behind her book cover, the consideration she gives to her readers, and idea of writing about who you are and not completely giving the public what they want, are reasons as to why I choose to read her book.

Bibliography:

Ducharme, M. (2020, May 26). Do queer memoirs have to be political? Slate Magazine. Retrieved September 13, 2021, from https://slate.com/human-interest/2020/05/meredith-talusan-fairest-memoir-interview.html.

Talusan, M. (2020, March 13). The Cover of My Face. Guernica. Retrieved September 20, 2021, from https://www.guernicamag.com/the-cover-of-my-face/. 

Talusan, M. (2018, March 25). Lost in Transition. The New York Times Book Review, 18(L). https://link.gale.com/apps/doc/A532125861/LitRC?u=cuny_ccny&sid=bookmark-LitRC&xid=5916dc9c

Meredith Talusan’s Transitions

In an online magazine, published by a Slate assistant producer for podcasts named Madeline Ducharme, she interviewed Meredith Talusan about her book “Fairest.” Tausan speaks out that being known as this ‘freak’ as a kid for not looking Filipino, has been an advantage to her but has also damaged her. Since she was judged by the way she looked, it gave her courage to embrace herself and accept who she really was to show everyone she didn’t care, though it was a painful journey at the same time. As she mentions, in her memoir she felt pressure by thinking that she needed her book to be trans-related because that’s what people were more interested in. However, she ended up not falling for it and wrote about most of the transitions she went through in her life, not just about becoming trans. For example, her transition from being a rural to an urban person, or from being poor to being in a relationship with someone rich.This interview really opened my eyes further about Talusan’s book because it talks about her experience in general and the different struggles she went through. Using the CRAAP test, I was able to find this source reliable since it was posted a year ago, and the information said in this magazine was edited in order for readers to truly understand Talusan’s responses.

Ducharme, M. (2020, May 26). Do queer memoirs have to be political? Slate Magazine. Retrieved September 13, 2021, from https://slate.com/human-interest/2020/05/meredith-talusan-fairest-memoir-interview.html.