Tag Archives: addiction

Endless Cycle

A photo showing the colorful slot machines, used for gambling, aboard a cruise ship. There are 5 in a row next to each other.
“Slot Machines” by ragingwire is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

While reading the final section of Heavy, I just felt shocked because it felt like I was witnessing history repeat itself. From a young age, Laymon’s mother had pushed for him to be excellent and would punish him whenever she felt disappointed, but she herself was just as flawed as he was. Not only that, but her harmful flaws and addictions seemed to be passed down to Laymon. Earlier on in the book, Laymon wrote about how he saw his mom gamble away a lot of money while they were in Las Vegas, and how she would continue to do this for a long time. Unfortunately, as an adult Laymon also developed the same gambling habits his mother had developed when he was a child. Even after throwing away who knows how many thousands of dollars and promising Flora that he wouldn’t return to the casino (220) he still did. A positive that came out of this situation was that Laymon was able to make amends with his mother and they promised each other that they would get better and she even promised to get help for her addiction (229). While Laymon was honest about never going back to a casino, it seems that his mother was never able to battle her addiction completely, so she continued lying to Laymon. Even when they were laying out all of their problems to each other, they continued to lie to each other, in turn continuing to hurt each other.

In a way this section really exemplifies how much Laymon is like his mother. They both struggled with addiction and constantly lied and hurt the people they loved. It makes sense that Laymon was hesitant about bringing a child into this world because he was afraid he would hurt them just like his mother and the world had hurt him (230). He was still suffering from years of trauma and still doesn’t understand how to deal with it in the healthiest way possible, a lot of people wouldn’t admit that willingly. After everything, I think the ending is quite ambiguous and that’s most likely because Laymon doesn’t know where exactly his story will go. Writing about everything that he went through might make his healing experience easier, but he can also continue to make the same mistakes, after all he seems to still be caught up in this never ending cycle of pain just like his mother.

Heavy Part Three: A Personal Journey

In part three of Heavy, we come to find that these times are vital to Laymon’s personal growth and future. In part three as Kiese begins college and his mother goes away for work he develops a freedom that causes him to make choices that affect his life tremendously. We see how he tries to find himself through his struggles and his reaction to them. As Laymon tries to create this image of being fantastic/perfect he leads himself into a difficult position of trying to fit in with the white folks or be even better. Laymon tries to fight his problems with food, specifically cakes. He faces obstacles that are out of his control such as being accused of plagiarism and being in Laymon’s position trying to prove his worth, understanding how life and society can only get worse makes him feel frustrated and hopeless which is why he turns to certain addictions liking eating we see these when he says “Cakes never fought back.”(Laymon 123). In this expression that he gives we see that he finds a sense of comfort, privacy and safety, this is important for Laymon because it explains how he gets attached to foods and and his perception of them because the he feels like the world is against him and that the odds to be successful or pursue a healthy lifetstyle seem impossible. As the section continues we see Laymon trying to break boundaries and discover who he is and this leads him to be authentic in a newspaper speaking out on the racism that occurs at Millsaps College. This spirals into other problems which only make Laymons situation more difficult as he is threatened and told by his own mother not to write those things even though she knows what he is experiencing or writing true which puts Laymon in a state of conflict with his decisions. We see true growth from Laymon as he decides to start exercising to get in better shape. This along with his writing are two major factors that help him on his journey to understanding who he is and who he wants to become. Kiese takes a lot of initiative in this section as he becomes older and more independent and we see how this cause of events shape him to become the man he is.

“We Must Save Ourselves”

“There comes a time when we realize that our parents cannot protect us, as much as we want them to, or need them to. There comes a time when we realize that we must save ourselves” p. 83

Díaz Jaquira. (2020). Ordinary girls: A memoir. Algonquin Books of Chapel Hill.

This section really shows Jaquira Diaz’s mother’s unraveling and progression of her mental illness. It is abundantly clear that the adults in Diaz’s life are not really capable of caring for her properly. In this section, she tells the readers about a relationship she entered before she was even in high school with a 21 year old. Though she describes the relationship through a mostly positive lens, the seven year age difference is illegal for a reason. A thirteen year old can not consent. She was a child, and Chris was an adult taking advantage of Diaz’s unstable home life and lack of positive adult figures.

On Page 75, Diaz describes her admiration for her mother before her addiction and mental illness took over. She worked hard, but cared for her children and was “exhausted but happy.” At one point, she wished to be like her mother when she got older. This wish later becomes her greatest fear as her mother’s condition worsened. Mami kidnaps Diaz and Alaina, forcing them to stay with her while failing to provide basic necessities. Even when they tried to escape, she “always caught us. Always (p 89).” When this happens, Diaz feels utterly abandoned by her father, who stands by and does not interfere with her mother’s antics. He is completely checked out, and disappoints Diaz again when he fails to protect her from Mami.

Throughout this section, Diaz interweaves the story of Baby Lollipops, the gutwrenching murder of a toddler, Lazaro Figueroa, that gained national media attention during key points in Diaz’s own life. She marks important memories by what was going on in the Baby Lollipops case, and tells the story simultaneously with her own. The side by side comparison and fixation on the fact that the baby’s own mother did such horrible things to him are intentional. Sometimes parents can do horrible things. Prolonged abuse is evident between Mami and Diaz and the correlation to the Lazaro Figueroa case is clear. Parents are supposed to love and protect their children, but when they are incapable of doing so, the responsibility to try to save themselves falls on the children. This was particularly threatening to Diaz because it served as a reminder that parents can be loving one day and monsters another.

Díaz at the 2019 Texas Book Festival, Larry D. Moore

Díaz Jaquira. (2020). Ordinary girls: A memoir. Algonquin Books of Chapel Hill.

Wikimedia Foundation. (2021, April 28). Jaquira Díaz. Wikipedia. Retrieved November 2, 2021, from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jaquira_D%C3%ADaz#/media/File:Jaquira_Diaz_2019_Texas_Book_Festival.jpg.