I got up a few hours later and took my mother’s pills, all of them – antipsychotics, sleeping pills, anxiety pills. I washed them down with half a bottle of Dawn dishwashing liquid. I’d heard the stories about toddlers who’d gotten poisoned with Drano, or detergent, or bleach, but all we had was Dawn. If we’d had any Drano or bleach, I would’ve downed that, too. I was determined to die.

Jaquira Diaz, reflecting on her suicide attempt at just 11 years old, page 178.

Ordinary Girls has been escalating rapidly since Diaz began to grow up – almost a reflection of her childlike innocence being torn into pieces. We are taken on a ride, the ride of her life, the ride of all of her traumas, and it is becoming harder and harder to read. For Diaz to be beaten and abused on a regular basis, for her to fall into drugs and associate with dangerous people, for her to do literally anything to escape the depression and anger she feels about her family makes me so upset to read. The fact that she began to idolize the woman who commit suicide in her father’s apartment complex and see her as at least having had a plan and wondering if she tried to kill herself too at eleven years old is so incredibly painful and eye opening to read.

The sheer vulnerability to which Diaz shares with us is incredibly commendable and heart breaking at the same time. We have watched her been crushed and beaten by the world around her, increasingly so with each page. It’s so upsetting to know that she reached suicidal ideation at just 11 years old. Children at eleven years old should be just on the brink of puberty and dealing with the pains of middle school as reputation begins to become a big factor in their social lives – but Diaz has to deal with abuse, drugs, lies, and a broken life with absolutely no escape. It’s almost as though she’s being held underwater. When I first started reading this, I related to Diaz’s broken heart from her broken family, but it reached a new level where i’m genuinely terrified to see what happens to her next.

I am so glad Diaz was able to recover from this state of mind. I can only imagine the pace at which her mind is running and the pain she’s enduring. For her to have lived long enough to find stable, healthy love, and to reach a point in her life where not only is life worth living but that she’s recovered from her traumas enough to share them with us is truly inspiring. To me, it’s inspirational that she was able to recover from the depths of depression, suicidiality, and anxiety.

Kahn, Margot. “Jaquira Díaz on ‘Ordinary Girls,” Home, and Telling Her Story: Bust Interview.” BUST, https://bust.com/books/196745-jaquira-diaz-interview-ordinary-girls.html.