Even today, the stereotypes and expectations for genders exist. Talusan had to continue to experience this as she continued and graduated from Harvard. These chapters focused on her dating (mostly hook up) experiences and her attempts to explore herself and what she wants when it comes to her femininity and the changes she feels after returning to the Philippines. While these chapters do lead to her thinking about being a woman (that she tries to push away since she thinks she should be happy at the moment), she never says she hates being a man. This conflict within herself is explored in greater depth as her thoughts of transitioning began.
Her happiness is interrupted with the thought of wanting to be a woman. It did make sense because she would express her desire to be more feminine and take the role of the woman in a relationship. However, on page 166, she says “Had I lived in a world where men were allowed to dress and behave like women without being scorned or punished, I wouldn’t have needed to be a woman at all.” (Talusan, 2020). Talusan expresses an interesting thought during this moment after she transitioned. She never stated once that she hated her gender. She only discussed society and how no matter what community, there is an expectation for men to be masculine. This expectation led to her to being obsessed with going to the gym and acting a certain way so that no one can judge her and take away any opportunities from her. As time went on, she allowed herself to be freer by dressing the way she wants and acting the way she wants. However, that never stopped her from feeling pressured to be someone she truly wasn’t. It would be easier to become a woman so that she can be feminine and not be judged for it.
This quote interested me because of how true it is today. While we claim to progress and be more open, we still have these expectations depending on what you have between your legs. I grew up with a father who wanted a masculine child (basically athletic, play sports, and can be the stereotypical guy). My brother and I weren’t that, but more so for me. This line made me think back to when I had thoughts of transitioning and It made me realize that if I could be who I wanted to be, not one of the guys but be one of the girls and learn everything feminine since it felt more right to me, then I wouldn’t have needed to think about it. Just a single line said so much to me as someone who had these expectations forced onto me. If I could didn’t get compared to other “men”, I probably would have accepted myself a long time ago.
Short, S. (2017). 10 steps to supporting a transitioning employee in your business [Online image]. face2faceHR. https://face2facehr.com/10-steps-supporting-transitioning-employee-business/
Sleepy Devil Vermilion. (2019). Ｔｈｅ Ｄｉｆｆｅｒｅｎｃｅ (Please Read. . ) [Online image]. Flickr. https://www.flickr.com/photos/xx_bd_hotshot_xx/48013067876/in/photolist-2g9Kwk7-2b4YU3y-25aGTSb-KVqd1a-9Vwm56-cqikzq-2kmT63P-7FVVyK-2mbr9cg-2jFi6QD-2mrodPc-2jQPBDJ-2jEYwuc-2jBxMRC-2k9K59Z-2ktN1t2-2jGFVH2-2msGNFg-2gge2it-RH1pEW-2i9YZT2-2kA8jF6-2ho5toi-2iLSRj4-2kAvasM-2kR3eL3-2jLr2g7-2kzPQjR-2dYL5ik-pwaZGv-gNwWL3-2gbbMFw-2kzr4Jn-2kBnjin-2m7k7u2-2huXJMF-2caJSAV-CDTK3h-2hpgetM-2gUdD2h-4U7WEv-2jqNJtr-oicu2d-2eQ76ZE-2hto6sZ-2hbLSLh-qm85hf-2hci248-xXfXk7-65jcfw/
Talusan, M. (2020). Fairest: A Memoir (pp. 150-229). Penguin Books.
to every human being
who looks different, feels different, and thinks differently.
I see you. I feel you. I am you.
Stay different. Our world needs
the difference we will make.” -Sleepy Devil Vermilion
Definitely. In these chapters, Talusan’s hookup experiences only had her discover more things about herself like wanting someone to dominate her. I thought it was funny how Talusan kept admitting that she wanted to be a woman, and then later pushed that idea away. Then eventually, her mind led her back to that conclusion over and over again. Though the reason she wanted to push it away was because she didn’t want to feel rejection from the people around her. Like you’ve stated, she doesn’t say she hates being a man, but in order to be somewhat accepted as a man who acts feminine, is to be a woman. Society’s expectations are what’s holding back her desires, and it’s awful to not be able to be accepted for who you want to be.
After reading your experience, Kevin, it really ties back to how you named this blog post. And I fully support you on the claim that gender expectations DO suck. Since we don’t want to feel rejected or disappoint someone, we resort to hiding ourselves in order to fit in the criterion this world sees as ‘normal.’ Why can’t we just do things that make us who we are without being judged? Why do social norms have to end up contributing to shaping our identity?