Days, and often hours, before you beat me, you touched me so gently. You told me you loved me… You made me feel like the most beautiful black boy in the history of Mississippi until you didn’t.
Laymon, 2018, p. 5
Throughout the first 62 pages, Laymon touches on the various forms of pain and trauma he witnessed and experienced. While he touches on the love he received from his mother and grandmother, the suffering he encountered seemed to weigh more heavily on my mind. As Laymon alludes to in the quote on page 5, the pain that one feels when it’s inflicted by someone they know is supposed to love them hurts more than anything else. Laymon’s conflicting feelings towards the things happening to him at the hands of his mother and others, is something that is completely understandable. Unfortunately, this also led to him coping in really harmful ways, such as restricting himself and also binge eating (23; 47). It’s interesting how instead of lashing out at the people who harmed him, he chose to harm himself.
Most of the time Laymon makes constant reference to how he was conscious of and hateful of his body. He chose to take things out on his body because he had this idea that it was the cause of most of his issues. If he didn’t look the way he did, maybe he would be loved, “Renata decided not to be my girlfriend anymore… I knew it was because my legs were fat and I made her breasts smell like pork chops, rice, and gravy the first time she pushed them in my mouth,” (24). Being a Black boy from Mississippi who also happened to be fat took a serious toll on Laymon’s self image and how he perceived others thoughts about him. What I find even more heartbreaking about this particular instance is that Renata was not his girlfriend, she was a sexual predator who took advantage of an insecure 12-year-old. Laymon is completely misguided about his struggles, but as a 12-year-old it’s hard to know what really is the problem. Despite being traumatized by those around him, he still tries to find a way to explain the pain he’s experiencing because he doesn’t understand how bad it is. It’s really unfortunate that this is what he had to go through as a young boy.
Not only does Laymon refer to his own pain and trauma, but he also touches on the things others experience. What really stood out to me is when he writes about knowing the different forms of oppression that go on in the world (pp. 27-28). Throughout these pages he does give examples of the pain that people cause one another because of their positions of power. I liked how he didn’t only focus on his pain but also the pain of those around him. More often than not, the things that we witness change our outlooks on things and I think that’s why Laymon was able to become so knowledgeable about why the things he was seeing were wrong. He felt within himself that these things were off, even if this is what we are taught is right. As he says on page 10, “we are studious children of this nation,” all of our harmful traits are what we are taught from a young age. I think that he understood that his mother beating him is something that she learned, and it’s why he continued to love her despite all of the pain and trauma she caused him. I hope that throughout the rest of the book we can see how Laymon’s evolution is shaped by his life experiences and how he changes when it comes to addressing his pain and trauma.
Dear Ashley,
I find this to be a very thorough and great analysis of what we have read so far. I feel that this response can be used as a very solid foundation for your essay. You stated, “He chose to take things out on his body because he had this idea that it was the cause of most of his issue.” This is very evident throughout the story. I think he confused the root of his issues because a of the situations he went through were also very confusing. An example of this is when he states “ I wish you could just have just chosen one kind of touch, even if it was just beating me ten times a day every day. That would have made everything a lot less confusing.” This also goes along with your point about him not knowing better. It is very difficult to find healthy coping habits when even the positive things you have learned have been taught through abuse and negative ways.
Best,
Luis
I like how you highlighted when Laymon says that their negative character traits were taught at a young age and that couldn’t be any more true. This alone in itself opens up a discussion about generational trauma that gets passed down and continues the toxic cycle. the issue of abuse and doing that to a child can greatly affect their development and the way they see the world.