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Clip art of person looking at themself in the mirror.

Self Worth

In the third section of the book, Laymon describes his experience in Millsaps college. His initial reaction was an overwhelming sense of freedom away from his mother. Laymon is trying to develop his sense of identity in this new environment. In high school, he hung around with people in his community and purposely use contractions to strengthen that identity. However, he was told by his surrounding peers that he should begin to use words like “fantastic” if he wants to blend in with the overwhelmingly white majority in Millsaps.

Laymon tries to make sense of the experiences in his life such as learning about patriarchy, feminism, racism, etc. He tries to make sense of them on paper but also in real life as well. Laymon tries to build up his self-worth through writing papers on Millsaps’ institutional racism which displeased many people, including his mother. I think in Laymon’s perspective, he is trying to make sense of why his mother who encouraged him to write for his people would ask him to stop writing. Laymon has always been a big writer throughout his life and he has experienced many things. Writing has been a way for him to internalize his experiences and use them in a way to uplift people in his community. I think Laymon is trying to build his self-worth in this way. Of course, we see that he still struggles with his self-image as he develops an eating and exercise addiction.

Real Change

“Any real change implies the breakup of the world as one has always known it, the loss that one an identity, the end of safety”. (Laymon 2018)

This passage in the book stands out out to me because this seems to be one of the center points of the book as well as this section of the book. We have followed laymon’s story as a person of color who has lived in a toxic environment most of his life and a world that makes it feel impossible to strive. We see him constantly trying to change the world he lives in, to the point where he had to misdirect the people around him of who he is. This warps around full circle top beginning of book of him telling us that he wanted to write a lie. Writing a lie would be much safer than tackling the problems of systematic oppression like he did in Millsaps, which cause him to get literal death threats.

Laymon, Kiese. (2018). Heavy. New York, NY: Scribne

Millsaps College Logo

The Feeling of Home is like a Boomerang

Diaz did a lot of going back and forth in her life, and it’s reflected in her memoir. The way she goes between anecdotes parallels the way she went between homes and lives growing up. She went from living with her mom to living with her dad, and even between them they moved houses a lot. The people she hung out with differed depending on her age and where she was in her life; in school she had Flaca, Boogie and China, her marriage with Cheito, in the Navy she had Jones and G-mo (Diaz, 213, 222). After Mercy died, her feelings about her grandmother flip-flopped. When she first heard the news, she was reminded of the last conversation they had, in which they spoke to each other like they never had before. For her it was almost as if she was speaking with Abuela, someone she did have a good relationship with. When speaking with her little cousin before the funeral, Diaz learned that Mercy had a good relationship with her other granddaughter, one that was also Afro-Latina, described as having dark skin, eyes and hair. This made Diaz question why she never had a relationship like that with Mercy, and made her realize the similarities between her, her mom, and her grandmother. Her multiple suicide attempts were with her mother’s pills, whereas Mercy was found with five empty bottles of sleeping pills (254). In this particular section, Diaz does a lot of self-reflection on who she is, and what home is to her.

Boomerang

Fairest: Social Norms

“And if she ever hid who she actually was, it was only so that she could be granted entrance into worlds she couldn’t otherwise reach, worlds that should rightfully belong to everyone, not just those who happen to uphold the prevailing standards of whiteness and womanhood” (Talusan, 2021, p.167)

As I was reading this week’s chapters, I was amazed by how Talusan— as the narrator, was opening herself to the reader more and more. Even though she still struggles to be open about herself to the people around her, I— as a reader— am able to understand why she’s having difficulty expressing her past. Obviously, when we hide something, we have a reason to do so, either good or bad. This quote had me reflecting about how many standards this world has. We all live on the same planet together, yet everyone in different locations have so many expectations whether about gender, personalities, or race. Talusan happens to struggle finding this sense of belonging. Born as a man, she’s supposed to be more masculine as society expects men to be, but she leans more towards being more feminine, which to her feels like she has to hide it from her family in order to avoid judgement.

I relate to her in finding this sense of belonging. I remember in middle school, I would see my classmates be so extroverted and open with each other, meanwhile, I was the quiet one. Even the teacher wondered why I didn’t talk a lot and asked me to join them on the dance floor in prom. I rejected her request and while I was sitting, I started questioning if I had to be someone like them in order to fit in instead of feeling like an outsider. Why did it annoy me every time someone asked me why I was so quiet? I didn’t know the answer during that time, but now, I know that it was because this made me feel like I needed to meet their expectations. I didn’t talk because I was shy, it was because I literally had nothing to talk about with the person. I didn’t dance because I was shy, it was because everyone on the dance floor wasn’t close to me in any way, so how could I feel comfortable to go there and dance? Sometimes, I did end up faking my personality to be this extroverted person people wanted me to be, but I knew that wasn’t me. I never enjoyed being that person. We shouldn’t have to be someone we’re not just to uphold the standards the people in this world want to consider “better.”

Citations

Talusan, M. (2021). Fairest: A memoir. Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition

*omar. (2007). Social Rejection. Flickr. Retrieved November 10, 2021, from https://www.flickr.com/photos/omernos/379393085/in/photolist-zwum6-2m3FxaT-2maBVzt-2kYWFFb-2iPq4SF-2jKwiXE-2kog9Bi-2jjpcrn-2iQtWbB-2m39P4e-2iuyGpx-2jTEYbo-2j8Rvvc-2iJTc2c-2jLuxDm-2jMrhM1-2iVHHqT-2iVDott-2jGDk65-2jMVh9v-2iNGvxH-2iTe11a-2jfHH2t-2ipz8sC-2ipz8ur-2jN6Pmv-2j9Nput-2hU2Rsj-2jggmVR-2iPs48L-2jLz28q-L2tkZd-2meVTHm-2ieoPoi-2jGgDFj-2jkhEom-2jCTR7p-2irgkgP-2ig9HZP-2igdenQ-4FDfqA-2jggmCX-2jACidm-2jDfSvN-2ig9J34-2hRpdAv-2hFNYZ9-2jQmCrY-2hJVJcC-2jQi5zu.

The Pride of Survival

After years of instability and violence the pain and struggle caught up to Diaz. After another violent fight with her mother, Diaz took her mother’s pills in an attempt to commit suicide, but her mother found her and called an ambulance. After realizing she was still alive she said, “I am eleven and I am alive”(Diaz 149). The fact that Diaz was so young when she first tried to take her own life illustrates the impact the instability of her life was having on her mental health.

 The second suicide attempt was also due to an argument Diaz had with her mother. In the heat of the fight her mother said, “you are small, you are nobody, you are nothing” (Diaz 185). When Diaz began taking all of her mother’s pills her mother did not notice. This story shows both the fragile mental state of Diaz and of her mother. Her mother was having a schizophrenic episode and Diaz had a fragile state of mind that was pushed over the edge after her mother began both verbally attacking her and then physically attacking her with a steak knife. 

The years of instability from her mother’s condition and the violence led to Diaz dropping out of high school and moving out. When she realized she, “was failing at life” (Diaz 212) she decided to join the military. After her time in Boot Camp she felt true pride and accomplishment for the first time in the midst of a chaotic past. “The pride I felt when I crossed that finish line. How until that moment, I didn’t know I could be that strong, didn’t really believe I could be saved” (Diaz 228). 

Citations

Díaz Jaquira. (2020). Ordinary girls: A memoir. Algonquin Books of Chapel Hill.

Wikimedia Foundation. (2021, October 29). United States Navy. Wikipedia. Retrieved November 9, 2021, from https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_States_Navy. 

 

Gender Expectations Suck

Even today, the stereotypes and expectations for genders exist. Talusan had to continue to experience this as she continued and graduated from Harvard. These chapters focused on her dating (mostly hook up) experiences and her attempts to explore herself and what she wants when it comes to her femininity and the changes she feels after returning to the Philippines. While these chapters do lead to her thinking about being a woman (that she tries to push away since she thinks she should be happy at the moment), she never says she hates being a man. This conflict within herself is explored in greater depth as her thoughts of transitioning began.

Her happiness is interrupted with the thought of wanting to be a woman. It did make sense because she would express her desire to be more feminine and take the role of the woman in a relationship. However, on page 166, she says “Had I lived in a world where men were allowed to dress and behave like women without being scorned or punished, I wouldn’t have needed to be a woman at all.” (Talusan, 2020). Talusan expresses an interesting thought during this moment after she transitioned. She never stated once that she hated her gender. She only discussed society and how no matter what community, there is an expectation for men to be masculine. This expectation led to her to being obsessed with going to the gym and acting a certain way so that no one can judge her and take away any opportunities from her. As time went on, she allowed herself to be freer by dressing the way she wants and acting the way she wants. However, that never stopped her from feeling pressured to be someone she truly wasn’t. It would be easier to become a woman so that she can be feminine and not be judged for it.

This quote interested me because of how true it is today. While we claim to progress and be more open, we still have these expectations depending on what you have between your legs. I grew up with a father who wanted a masculine child (basically athletic, play sports, and can be the stereotypical guy). My brother and I weren’t that, but more so for me. This line made me think back to when I had thoughts of transitioning and It made me realize that if I could be who I wanted to be, not one of the guys but be one of the girls and learn everything feminine since it felt more right to me, then I wouldn’t have needed to think about it. Just a single line said so much to me as someone who had these expectations forced onto me. If I could didn’t get compared to other “men”, I probably would have accepted myself a long time ago.

Short, S. (2017). 10 steps to supporting a transitioning employee in your business [Online image]. face2faceHR. https://face2facehr.com/10-steps-supporting-transitioning-employee-business/

Sleepy Devil Vermilion. (2019). Ｔｈｅ Ｄｉｆｆｅｒｅｎｃｅ (Please Read. . ) [Online image]. Flickr. https://www.flickr.com/photos/xx_bd_hotshot_xx/48013067876/in/photolist-2g9Kwk7-2b4YU3y-25aGTSb-KVqd1a-9Vwm56-cqikzq-2kmT63P-7FVVyK-2mbr9cg-2jFi6QD-2mrodPc-2jQPBDJ-2jEYwuc-2jBxMRC-2k9K59Z-2ktN1t2-2jGFVH2-2msGNFg-2gge2it-RH1pEW-2i9YZT2-2kA8jF6-2ho5toi-2iLSRj4-2kAvasM-2kR3eL3-2jLr2g7-2kzPQjR-2dYL5ik-pwaZGv-gNwWL3-2gbbMFw-2kzr4Jn-2kBnjin-2m7k7u2-2huXJMF-2caJSAV-CDTK3h-2hpgetM-2gUdD2h-4U7WEv-2jqNJtr-oicu2d-2eQ76ZE-2hto6sZ-2hbLSLh-qm85hf-2hci248-xXfXk7-65jcfw/

Talusan, M. (2020). Fairest: A Memoir (pp. 150-229). Penguin Books.

Drawing of stick figure balancing on beam with symbols of male and female on both sides.
Confused about which side to fall on.
Ｔｈｅ Ｄｉｆｆｅｒｅｎｃｅ (Please Read. . )
“This is dedicated
to every human being
who looks different, feels different, and thinks differently.
I see you. I feel you. I am you.
Stay different. Our world needs
the difference we will make.” -Sleepy Devil Vermilion

Set Ups and Failure

You marched into your room, went in the closet, and came out with a belt. You brought one lash down across my shoulder. You brought another lash down across the front of my stomach. You went on and on about ruining the only chance I had to get free.

Laymon, 2018, 138
Image depicts a college library in sepia colors cape. It has a long entryway and has walkways with windows going from left to right.
Oberlin College’s Mudd Library

Laymon writes a lot about making huge advancements but then eventually crashing. The prejudices his professors and other classmates felt towards him and the other, few, Black students was extremely prevalent. They were accused of plagiarizing in English classes more than once (125). It’s clear that this PWI that touted itself as a liberal college, was run and occupied by racists. They didn’t even need to hide their racism because they knew they would face no consequences since they were the majority and this was their regular routine. To me at least, it’s clear that Laymon’s grades suffered because of everything he was enduring at this school. Not only was he being subjected to racism and death threats by his fellow schoolmates, he was also facing inner turmoil and hurting himself in various ways. This was not an easy experience for him, and his grades and his body suffered because of it.

When reading the quote on page 138, I just felt shocked. Laymon has already established that his mother would abuse him if he didn’t do the things she felt were right, but the fact that she still beat him after everything he had gone through was unbelievable. Especially since she had commented on his weight gain beforehand, you would think that she would connect the dots about why he had gained so much weight and had done badly in school. He had been successful and was able to publish different works of his in the school newspaper, but everything else he did was disappointing. He flew too close to the sun and was punished for it, by those unknown to him and those who were supposed to love him no matter what. Punishing him for what she sees as shortcomings and failures is why he’s the way he is. He will not be molded into this perfect person, because a perfect person does not exist. At the end of this section, it’s just clear that he needs more help than he’s ever gotten and a loving hand that doesn’t come with abuse.

Invisibility

In this part of the book, Jaquira Diaz is starting to grow up and is entering her teen years. Most of it takes place when she hasn’t even made it to high school, which I think is what Jaquira tries to highlight in the story. A common topic I kept noticing was invisibility. In many of these stories it is shown how unseen she is from her peers and loved ones. She can’t always control when she can be seen and unseen which may be frustrating for her as she wants to be recognized and appreciated but still uses invisibility as a means of protection. 

As she often spoke about wanting to be seen and heard from those closest to her, it didn’t seem to be that way whenever she was in school. She did not enjoy school as much and was almost never present, missing out on all her work. In one part of the book, she says “I kept my eyes on my notebook, doodling the margins, trying to make myself invisible, until my friends Boogie and China walked in” (pg. 114). This isn’t the first time she mentions this either. In another part of this section, Jaquira had a writing assignment she worked hard in about her personal experience with Hurricane Andrew. It was later submitted to a writing contest for “Miami Herald” and put on one of the school bulletin boards which she was all unaware of. She claimed to be unhappy about it and stated “I almost cried right there in the hallway, almost cried as I took off…” (pg. 137). When she gets to class she is teased by the entire class, including her closest friends about her being in Honors but them undermining her intelligence. It must have been a confusing experience for her as she finds out many had doubts about her, but she learns about her true potential. This is how her not always being in control of her invisibility to others could be frustrating since she was upset about her work being seen but later uses it as a learning experience.

Between my blog post and Zoe’s, our views on “control” in “Ordinary Girls” are both different and similar. We both talk about how Jaquira uses something that makes her feel in control. Zoe mentions how Jaquira has to endure abuse from her family members, both physically and mentally, especially from her mother and brother. She uses fighting as a means of protection just like invisibility. Zoe argues that this was caused by the instability of her mother. I, too, agree with this statement and feel Jaquira also just wants to be invisible so she can just avoid any more problems as she already is going through so much at home. Comparing our blog posts helped me learn the different defense mechanisms Jaquira uses to protect herself in the environment she’s in.

(2nd blog post for O.G)

Life in Puerto Rico

On pages 1-62, Jaquira branches out into many different topics and events in her life. The main stage in her life that she spoke about in this section was her childhood in Puerto Rico. From the way she described it, it was like the calm before the storm. The “storm”, which could be her growing up and facing even tougher challenges. Life in Puerto Rico was not perfect, but as she describes seems better than what she hints will happen to her in the future. She knew her homeland was still dangerous and her family wasn’t perfect, but she acknowledges that even with all the bad, there were still things she appreciated about her experience there. It reminded me of how people often hang onto the past and their childhood because they were still naive and unaware of what’s to come when they grow up. 

Something that really stood out to me was how the setting really plays a role in how Jaquira tells her story in this section. With Puerto Rico, you can easily associate the place with positive emotions and words because of her experience there. The words she uses to describe her surroundings and how she felt there can help you draw the conclusion that she was happier in an area she already knows. She often talks about her days playing as a kid in the sun with her childhood friends. Often bringing up the “warm” and “sunny” days spent doing what she enjoyed revealed what Puerto Rico meant to her. As for Miami, she describes the conditions she lived in as “…the kind of poor you could feel in your bones, in your teeth, in your stomach” (pg. 61) and also mentions what’s to show up in the next section of the book.

(1st Blog Post for Ordinary Girls)

Heavy Part Two: A New Passion

In part two of the book Heavy, the section called Gumption we see how Kiese’s writing is influenced. “I didn’t understand the differences between “writing to” and “writing for” anyone.”(Laymon 106). When he referenced Ms. Walker’s speech he took notice of these four words that he quoted. He kept coming back to those words in his head trying to make sense of them. This influenced his writing because we see the determination in Laymon to try and understand how he could write to and for his people with his work. This is a big step in his direction of becoming a writer and plays a heavy role. The understanding of writing to and for his people helped shaped this book through talking about his life experiences so he can connect to his community and help other outside of it understand what it’s like.