In part four of the book Heavy, we see Laymon and his mother face difficult times as his mother struggles with her gambling addiction in the casinos, Laymon also begins to gain a new perspective as he reflects on his life from the past to where he is now. In this section we see many struggles that not many would expect Laymon to have as he grows and the book gets deeper. That is what stands out the most for me is the authenticity that he replicates through writing his truths. He faces obstacles with his weight gaining and losing, along with the system he feeds into with his job at Vassar University, and gambling. In a conversation/writing to his mother he says “If we fall, give us a chance to fall honestly, compassionately together.” (Laymon 239). When reading this at the end of the book I felt a sense of union from these words. Kiese understands that life comes with struggles and being a black family in this nation comes with problems that are out of their control sometimes. This is an important factor in the book because we see Kiese rebuilding or even building this new trust and relationship with his mother telling her that they have to be break this system but understanding it won’t change the past but they must move on from it.
Category Archives: Posts
Heavy: The End
“You are also my mother and I am your son. Please do not be mad at me, Mama. I am just trying to put you where I bend. I am just trying to put us where we bend.” page 241
After finishing Kiese’s memoir and reading the last line he wrote which is above I now know the purpose he wrote this book for his mother to read. It was not to degrade her on how she raised him or to show her all the mistakes she has done. He wrote this for her so they both can finally realize that in order for them to end the cycle they have constantly been on. They must first begin by being honest with each other. This was one of the most disheartening thing I came across when reading this book. The amount of times a mother would lie to her son and the amount of times a son would lie to his mother. These lies led to both of them to use each other for money, fear, etc. Even with all the lies and deception Kiese still loves his mother. He just wants her to understand where she went wrong and begin being honest with him. Only when that is accomplished can they finally grow together as not only family but as friends.
Class 23
Today’s class is a lesson on “Intros and Conclusions” (from Amy Guptil’s Writing in College). Here’s our activity:
First, look at the paragraph beginning “Throughout time….” in pairs. Highlight and annotate in Hypothes.is what you notice the writer doing well, and where you might ask for more specifics. Think of this as a peer edit.
Then, look at the paragraph beginning “Religion is an Endeavor” in the same pairs. Again, highlight and annotate using Hypothes.is what you see the writer doing well and what questions you’d pose as a peer editor.
Back in the main room, we’ll talk about some differences between what Guptil calls “the five-paragraph theme” and the “organically-structured thesis.” There’s more on this elsewhere in her textbook.
After this, we’ll look in groups of 4-5 at two more introductory paragraphs from more advanced student essays (from students who have declared majors, I think): “Abelard” and “Staphylococcus aureus”
“Abelard”: What in this intro’s 1st sentence is “substantial?” How are its next sentences “indispensable”? How/is the thesis “surprising”?
Independent work: Now you try! Using these principles—making sentences substantial, indispensable, & surprising—compose an introductory paragraph of your own. I’d suggest composing these in the same Docs where you were working on Tuesday activities, so that you can draw on your prior work more easily.
(If you want, play around with pastiche — an imitation of the writer’s sentences, right down to their word choice, syntax, sentence structure, paragraph organization, etc).
If time: We’ll do the same activity (probably a shortened version of it) with the section on conclusions
The Ultimate Sacrifice
“Teaching wealthy white boys like him meant I was being paid to ratify Cole’s power. In return for his care, I’d get a monthly check.” (P. 191)
Kiese Laymon now finds himself to be an adjunct professor teaching at Vassar University. However, his demographic of students were wealthy white people who were the people he most despised. He finds it hard to find the passion and love to teach them as he feels like teaching them is enabling and continuing the unbalanced power dynamics between black and white people. Laymom then goes on to say that working for the white man in such a way is even worse than selling out and he feels as if he’s losing pieces of his newfound black righteous identity for a paycheck. A good teacher does more than just teach the subject they are assigned to teach. A good teacher is there for their students academically, socially and even emotionally. But it is hard to be this for someone that you don’t like as Laymon feels as if he’s getting paid to coddle wealthy cisgender, heterosexual white men, which is a big group that is responsible for the marginalization we experience today. When you have been oppressed for so long and then you end up having to be in a position where you cater to your oppressors, I can understand how that can be frustrating. In the end It all ties back to identity, with the big question being whether or not you want to sacrifice your values for a check, but on the other hand, you have to do what you have to do in order to make a living and provide for yourself and your family.
Mother, Mercy
In this chapter of the book, Jaquira Diaz talks about the loss of her grandmother, Mercy from her mother’s side and the events that led up to it and events that happened after. I found this part of the section “Familia” significant because it really highlights her family and the relationships she has with her many family members. What really stood out to me was when family members from her mother’s side all came together, mourning the loss of Mercy and trying to arrange her funeral and for Jaqui to end up not showing up to her funeral. It must have been very overwhelming for her as she was conflicted with her own thoughts and feelings about Mercy and everyone else’s. In page 258, she talks about her car ride to Miami City with Cheito. “I’m glad he’s not the type of man who says shit like, “She’s in a better place,” or, “You have to remember the good times.” But in the car, I find myself doing exactly that–trying to remember something good about Mercy.” As you can see, she was so confused with how to feel since she hasn’t had many good experiences with Mercy (since Mercy has always thought less of her because of her blackness) but, she still lost her and wanted to remember her in a positive light.
What also intrigued me was how Jaquira mentions Mercy again in the next section, “Regresando.” Years later, she’s still thinking about Mercy and even “seeing” her. “She’s been dead at least 4 years, but it’s her. I’m sure of it…My grandmother, like a ghost, haunting. And I wonder if Mami sees her too” (pg. 285). This made me wonder if Jaquira had some kind of connection none of us knew, not even her, and how much the loss of a family member can really affect you.
Growing Up and Letting Go
The final section of Diaz’s Ordinary Girls flashes forward to times where Diaz seems settled. She still deals with depression and unresolved trauma that comes up sporadically, but she seems to have a handle on functioning as an adult. She has a home, at one point she and Cheito have a big townhouse together, she moves out and lives on her own, and she is making enough money to support herself and her family.
Diaz cuts off contact from her mother and Miami Beach for an extended period of time. Her mother suffers greatly in this time, as she sinks deeper into her mental illness and addiction. When Diaz returns home after Mercy dies, she barely recognizes her mother. Diaz needed to to cut off her mom to move forward, but it’s clear her mother suffers greatly with no one to keep her accountable. Mercy dies after overdosing on pills, as she said she would several other times. I wonder how much influence Mercy’s suicidal threats had on Diaz as a young girl, and if it played a part in Diaz’s suicide attempts as a child. The reader now has a better idea of how an eleven year old would even know what suicide is, let alone how to attempt it.
The theme of colonialism is underlying throughout the book, but is more prevalent in this section than in previous ones. Diaz writes about Lolita Lebrón, an independentista who, when her comrades backed down, stood up for her beliefs and the people of Puerto Rico fighting against colonialism by shooting up Congress. She obviously does not succeed in achieving independence and is sent to prison, but 50 years later is featured as a headline. I think Diaz can relate to feeling as if the whole world was against her. Diaz’s life and the entire political landscape of Puerto Rico would be radically different, had Lorita Lebrón succeeded.
Overall, this section provides some form of closure to the reader and a sense that Diaz will be okay. She seems to be adjusted and has no willingness to relive or return to the habits and trauma of her youth.
Overcoming
Upon finishing Heavy, I have a greater appreciation for the way Laymon ended the book. Picking up from his eating and exercise addiction in part 3, Laymon did not write about how he immediately fixed his problem in part 4. In fact, Laymon became anorexic, weighing 159 pounds with 2 percent body fat (p.207). I was surprised as I read this because I was wondering if Laymon plans on ending his memoir in a somewhat happy conclusion. As I continue to read, however, I realized that Laymon was resisting the “deficit narrative.”
Laymon remained authentic by not framing his story into the traditional mold of a deficit narrative. He had eating disorder but he did not immediately recover into a lean person. In fact, he gained more weight and was in even more misery. He also became addicted to gambling like his mother. Laymon had a heart-felt conversation with his mother about his weigh and addiction. In some ways, we can see the conversation as useless because both continue to struggle with their addiction and did not fully open up to each other about their thoughts. On the other hand, we can see that conversation as the beginning of a journey where true communication happens. This conversation opened up the relationship between the two and eventually helped Laymon to write his memoir. What I liked about the memoir is that is feels very real and raw. Laymon honestly show readers people’s persistent struggles and flaws.
The Ghosts Return
Throughout the novel, Diaz, and many people in her life struggle with suicidal thoughts and many including herself have attempted suicide. After Mercy committed suicide Diaz began to reflect on how many people in her family have committed suicide or have tried to, “and then there is this: suicide was our family legacy” (Diaz 259). The last section was highlighted with happy and relieving moments from the later part of Diaz’s life. She talks about her graduation, “I can’t stop smiling. I am overwhelmed with happiness, with love, with hope” (Diaz 278). But even with these moments of immense pride and happiness Diaz still found herself struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts. “One night after not sleeping for days, I find myself sitting on the kitchen floor with a knife, not remembering how I got there, but trying to build up enough courage to slit my own wrists” (Diaz 286). This brings to light the question of whether Diaz will ever be able to fully move past the things that happened in her childhood.
Throughout the chapter “Returning,” Diaz returns to Puerto Rico and Miami several times. She thinks about her childhood and her teenage years. She loses friends from childhood during this time, reconnects with childhood friends, watches them raise kids and get married, and watches the health of her mother decline. Although Diaz is older, she is still trapped in the cycle of caring for her mother, self-destructing, and trying to find ways to cope. Except, as an adult, she finds a passion for writing, puts herself through school, and then graduates. Diaz will always have her past and therefore she will always have to deal with the ghosts of her past, but she has found purpose and she has friends that she cares for deeply.
Citations
Díaz Jaquira. (2020). Ordinary girls: A memoir. Algonquin Books of Chapel Hill.
McGrath, Patrick. “‘Ghosts: A Natural History,’ by Roger Clarke.” The New York Times, 24 Oct. 2014, www.nytimes.com/2014/10/26/books/review/ghosts-a-natural-history-by-roger-clarke.html.
Flying and crashing: A cycle of addiction and suffering
“After he dropped me off, I knew he was going to get back to flying and crashing because flying and crashing were what people in our family did when were alone, ashamed and scared to death.”(Laymon Pg 178 )
In the last section of the book, we see Laymon leave his food eating addiction behind and replacing with an exercise one. However, he does not see it that way. He even thanks god that he is not flying and crashing like his family members. (178) This illustrates the cycle of flying and crashing he is speaking of, a form of self-sabotage. We also see this with his mother who has always struggled with a gambling addiction. It is very ironic since she is the person who always requested perfection of Laymon yet she has her own flaws and addictions. This goes back to the point I made in on of my previous blogs about how it is very difficult to end cycles when the role models around you are very flawed and toxic themselves. Not only does Laymon discuss cycles of addiction and suffering in his family but he discusses many in America and black communities. An example being when he discusses the fact that men of color would only sell drugs to men of color to have in come because white men have too much power and can easily ruin their lives. He ends the book by stating that these cycles will continue as long as long as we keep lying to ourselves and hiding these harsh truths.
“Grandma Will Be Fine”
Kiese Laymon is visiting his grandmother at the hospital who recently suffered from a head injury. During his visit Kiese Laymon witnessed his grandmother screaming and begging for mercy while being treated by the doctor. As Laymon stood there he began to question the ethics of the situation and how preventable his grandmother’s suffering was. Kiese Laymon was convinced his grandmother didn’t receive proper medical care owing to the fact that she’s a black woman. He further noted the common misconception in which it’s believed black women have the ability to recover from these events. While simultaneously the individuals with this ideology “never really cared if black women recovered”(Page-169). Immediately after reading this part I asked myself if I would do anything different in comparison to Laymon. If that were my grandmother screaming, part of me would want to intervene and help her out. However I strongly believe my concerns would be completely ignored by the surgical team. In addition it was upsetting to hear how Laymon’s grandmother acted like everything was fine post surgery. And how thanking Jesus for getting through situations caused by individuals who had their best interest at heart, was his “family’s superpower” (Page 170).
Image Citiataion- Beliaikin, Artem. “Man with Scotch Tape.” Flickr, Yahoo!, 19 Oct. 2019, https://www.flickr.com/photos/artembali/48925495472/in/photolist-2hxnXgo-AJHg7S-2igbKWR-ow9wxn-wPamGQ-ouXKiw-hTNeHj-wNVxhs-ouytVo-oyd7rP-wj13A6-r5NeSa-2m5ZLnf-wM9JFJ-xmacBB-rp1BB8-of1n4c-y5UeKR-tnSMcG-otpwK9-wMjzB2-wMoAAo-owhsZC-tAi87J-roHANt-wxiVts-wQfS5H-wMhKpH-osMrXq-w7KZ9S-tCYoQs-ow5rfX-owrmGt-qshTs2-ous7om-wYnNon-owhVN7-w9Nnvt-oeMRFM-owsJNu-oeZQbm-x3Qy3g-ov9mn9-xfPxke-ow2Cq9-2jBuvBs-odX5d9-ountKh-oeMYJC-ovNQq9.
