Author Archives: Kevin J Guaman

Is It Worth Sacrificing?

The last part of Talusan’s story focused on her journey to realizing what she wants for herself and going through with transitioning to be a woman. She began content with her life with Ralph and started getting into artistic hobbies, such as photography, when her writing wasn’t getting accepted anywhere. She got curious about herself and the inner part of herself that needed to be feminine and feel beautiful. This confusion and constant battle within herself led to many obstacles, such as Ralph taking issue with her wearing make-up when going out to see his friends and her falling for Richard, a straight man that their mutual friend began dating. Everything ended up falling apart, with her losing close friends and not understanding what she wants. It wasn’t until looking at a photograph of herself that she realized she wanted to be a woman, not partly but whole. Her decision cost her Ralph since he couldn’t be with a woman. She reflected upon her path and paths that could have been taken, only to realize she would rather have gone down this path to be her true self, even if she could have been happy in the other paths.

Talusan had to sacrifice a lot during her journey towards discovering herself. She sacrificed her love with Ralph in order for her to be a whole woman. This sacrifice hurt her and Ralph and she even considered not going through with the transition for him. However, she states “I would lose the person I love most, so I could love myself better.” (Talusan, 2020, pp. 283). She benefitted from the transition by allowing herself to be free instead of still being restricted as a feminine man. Society wouldn’t accept her that way, so although she loses Ralph, she can be free.

Transitioning involves making lots of sacrifices. Friends can be lost, people can view you differently, or in Talusan’s case, you can lose the one person you love in the world. I had to think of it all as I contemplated if this was even a good decision or not. Would the consequences benefit me more? Or would it hurt me and everyone else more? Would I be beautiful and flourish? Or will society just throw me under the bus even more for the way I look? Does this mean the sacrifice was never worth it at all? In the end, I chose to not risk it. I had to sacrifice a lot to get to where I am now. To sacrifice the way Talusan had, I will never have that type of strength. While I don’t agree with her decisions for parts of the book, I respect her will to make herself happy so she doesn’t have to hide for the rest of her life like others will. Like I probably will.

Carulmare. (2008). CARAVAGGIO Sacrifice of Isaac, 1601-02 [Online image]. Flickr. https://www.flickr.com/photos/8545333@N07/2236990792

Talusan, M. (2020). Fairest: A Memoir (pp. 230-308). Penguin Books.

Man holding down his son with a knife in his hand as an angel grabs his arm to stop him.
The biblical story of a father sacrificing his son for God. How much can someone sacrifice before it’s too much? Image credit: “CARAVAGGIO Sacrifice of Isaac, 1601-02” by carulmare is licensed under CC BY 2.0

Gender Expectations Suck

Even today, the stereotypes and expectations for genders exist. Talusan had to continue to experience this as she continued and graduated from Harvard. These chapters focused on her dating (mostly hook up) experiences and her attempts to explore herself and what she wants when it comes to her femininity and the changes she feels after returning to the Philippines. While these chapters do lead to her thinking about being a woman (that she tries to push away since she thinks she should be happy at the moment), she never says she hates being a man. This conflict within herself is explored in greater depth as her thoughts of transitioning began.

Her happiness is interrupted with the thought of wanting to be a woman. It did make sense because she would express her desire to be more feminine and take the role of the woman in a relationship. However, on page 166, she says “Had I lived in a world where men were allowed to dress and behave like women without being scorned or punished, I wouldn’t have needed to be a woman at all.” (Talusan, 2020). Talusan expresses an interesting thought during this moment after she transitioned. She never stated once that she hated her gender. She only discussed society and how no matter what community, there is an expectation for men to be masculine. This expectation led to her to being obsessed with going to the gym and acting a certain way so that no one can judge her and take away any opportunities from her. As time went on, she allowed herself to be freer by dressing the way she wants and acting the way she wants. However, that never stopped her from feeling pressured to be someone she truly wasn’t. It would be easier to become a woman so that she can be feminine and not be judged for it.

This quote interested me because of how true it is today. While we claim to progress and be more open, we still have these expectations depending on what you have between your legs. I grew up with a father who wanted a masculine child (basically athletic, play sports, and can be the stereotypical guy). My brother and I weren’t that, but more so for me. This line made me think back to when I had thoughts of transitioning and It made me realize that if I could be who I wanted to be, not one of the guys but be one of the girls and learn everything feminine since it felt more right to me, then I wouldn’t have needed to think about it. Just a single line said so much to me as someone who had these expectations forced onto me. If I could didn’t get compared to other “men”, I probably would have accepted myself a long time ago.

Short, S. (2017). 10 steps to supporting a transitioning employee in your business [Online image]. face2faceHR. https://face2facehr.com/10-steps-supporting-transitioning-employee-business/

Sleepy Devil Vermilion. (2019). Ｔｈｅ Ｄｉｆｆｅｒｅｎｃｅ (Please Read. . ) [Online image]. Flickr. https://www.flickr.com/photos/xx_bd_hotshot_xx/48013067876/in/photolist-2g9Kwk7-2b4YU3y-25aGTSb-KVqd1a-9Vwm56-cqikzq-2kmT63P-7FVVyK-2mbr9cg-2jFi6QD-2mrodPc-2jQPBDJ-2jEYwuc-2jBxMRC-2k9K59Z-2ktN1t2-2jGFVH2-2msGNFg-2gge2it-RH1pEW-2i9YZT2-2kA8jF6-2ho5toi-2iLSRj4-2kAvasM-2kR3eL3-2jLr2g7-2kzPQjR-2dYL5ik-pwaZGv-gNwWL3-2gbbMFw-2kzr4Jn-2kBnjin-2m7k7u2-2huXJMF-2caJSAV-CDTK3h-2hpgetM-2gUdD2h-4U7WEv-2jqNJtr-oicu2d-2eQ76ZE-2hto6sZ-2hbLSLh-qm85hf-2hci248-xXfXk7-65jcfw/

Talusan, M. (2020). Fairest: A Memoir (pp. 150-229). Penguin Books.

Drawing of stick figure balancing on beam with symbols of male and female on both sides.
Confused about which side to fall on.
Ｔｈｅ Ｄｉｆｆｅｒｅｎｃｅ (Please Read. . )
“This is dedicated
to every human being
who looks different, feels different, and thinks differently.
I see you. I feel you. I am you.
Stay different. Our world needs
the difference we will make.” -Sleepy Devil Vermilion

Special=White?

Everyone wants to be somebody special that everyone would like and want to be with. In reality, what makes people special depends on society and its biases. In these chapters of Fairest, Talusan struggles to accept travelling to America with her parents and siblings. She wanted to stay behind and live in the Philippines with her grandmother. Yet, her grandmother is the one to tell her she should go, which sent her down a path that not everyone can go down. While she is similar to other immigrants that travel to America for a chance at a better life, she found an advantage in her white skin.

Talusan was treated special and it shaped path. The first example would be Talusan’s grandmother, when Talusan writes “…who may have loved me regardless but favored me over everyone else because she connected my color to the wealthy, powerful Americans who had conquered our land.” (Talusan, 2020, pp. 91). Anyone would assume that her grandmother’s favoritism was just the matter of her love for Talusan. It is true she loves Talusan, however, she always brought up her skin being fair and beautiful. Her grandmother had believed that the ability to be perceived as white gave her the edge over everyone else. She thought one of the reasons Talusan will prosper is her skin. Her grandmother favored her, told her she’s special, and encouraged her to pursue a life in the U.S. It’s sad to even think that being white was a reason for it. It’s sadder that her grandmother wasn’t entirely wrong. She was seen as white and it helped her avoid discrimination against Asians.

Being treated special shaped Talusan’s decisions. Being praised for her whiteness made her try to be seen as white to everyone. She sometimes seems to forget that she isn’t white, such as when she was at a party and she said to herself “At least I’m not Asian.” (Talusan, 2020, pp. 120). She worked on her accent, her story, and even her clothes and hair to match other white people. She made sure that what her family said (that she would be seen as white) became a reality. It almost seems like she abandoned her old poorer self to be with the rich white Harvard students. This is significant because race has always been controversial and if being white means you’re special, would that make the rest of us not?

Moody, J. (2021). In fall 2019, 82% of accepted students enrolled at Harvard University in Massachusetts [Photograph]. U.S.News. https://www.usnews.com/education/best-colleges/articles/universities-colleges-where-students-are-eager-to-enroll

Talusan, M. (2020). Fairest: A Memoir (pp. 83-149). Penguin Books.

Universities, Colleges Where Students Are Eager to Enroll | Best Colleges | US News

Stereotypes of Good Looks in Fairest

I am able to put myself in someone’s shoes, but I can’t always think the way others do completely because I can’t live the life they went through. This statement feels very accurate after reading the first four chapters of Fairest. I was able to see how Talusan grew up and how different it is being someone living in the Philippines and having albinism. The part of her story that interested me the most were the topics of how society perceives looks.

The world comes with lots of expectations and stereotypes that judgement feels natural to us. There are many people that Talusan meets that judge their own appearance. An example is from page 2, where a fellow Harvard alum named Kit Clark said, “The men keep getting younger and I’m only getting uglier.” and “My life is here. I accept that I’m undesirable.” (Talusan, 2020). Talusan takes the time to compare him to the stereotype for a black gay man that is considered hot. While Talusan is the one that is doing this, I wouldn’t be surprised if Clark did the same thing to himself. He not only views himself as ugly, but he states that he accepts it. While I always hear stories of people called ugly returning looking like a Greek God, I rarely ever hear about people like Clark. I can relate to him and his insecurities. Instead of following the stereotypes, he chooses to be himself. However, the jabs at himself concerning his looks shows that deep down, it bothers him.

Another example of judgement is when Nanay Coro, her grandmother, said “This is because you are fair and beautiful…not dark and ugly like me.” (Talusan, 2020, pp. 24). Her grandmother implied that she is beautiful because she looked white while everyone else was dark. If she were here, she would be judged for having albinism. However, in her community, her being white brought an advantage. It is also interesting to hear everyone connect the words “dark” and “ugly”. No matter what, no one ever says they are dark and beautiful. This shapes Talusan to enjoy the attention, especially since she was treated as the “chosen one” to leave for the United States. This is significant because it shows how different societies view beauty, yet we always obsess over it or give up on trying.

Citations

CNN Philippines Staff (2021). ‘Fairest’ writer talks about transitions, ‘confusing experiences’ in memoir [Photograph]. CNN Philippines. https://www.cnnphilippines.com/lifestyle/2021/7/13/Meredith-Talusan-Hanson-memoir.html

Talusan, M. (2020). Fairest: A Memoir (pp. 1-82). Penguin Books.

Fairest' writer talks about transitions, 'confusing experiences' in memoir

Pick a Book Assignment

Kevin Guaman

ENGL 210

Professor Dalton

9/17/21

         Writing a memoir can be a challenge. The author is exposing their stories to the world while also trying to make it something that will attract audiences to want to read it at all. However, Heavy by Kiese Laymon, Ordinary Girls by Jaquira Diaz, and Fairest by Meredith Talusan are examples of memorable memoirs that audiences could relate to and enjoy reading. Out of the three choices, the book I choose to read is Talusan’s memoir. I would like to read Fairest because it will help me know more about transsexuality, race, and immigration. The activities and research done for class allowed me to learn more about Talusan and her work.

         The topic of transsexuality is one of the focal points in Talusan’s memoir. After looking at the cover of the book in one of our activities, the book was bright, a rainbow color, and had a large eyelash in the front. The rainbow represents the LGBTQ+ flag due to her story involving the community. The blurb confirmed that she transitioned from a boy to a girl. This interested me because it relates to my past. I considered transitioning just like she did. However, I never ended up going through with it. The part where a person must decide what to do with this revelation is where our paths diverge. Reading more about the journey she went through as she transitioned and the changes in her life that came from her decision makes for an interesting story. For example, in her article “The Cover of My Face”, Talusan brings up how the thought of how her looks would be perceived if she did transition was a factor in her decision (Talusan, 2020). This is an interesting thought because I thought the same thing. I went through the same process. It helps me know that it was not just me experiencing this. I believe this would help me better understand the life of those who decide to transition from one gender to another. Another topic that is touched upon in her memoir is race.

Race is a factor in Talusan’s journey that she discusses in her book. According to “The Cover of My Face”, She mentions how albinism made her appear whiter and how that gave her more advantages (Talusan, 2020). The usual stories involving race are about the discrimination they suffer due to their skin color and culture. However, Talusan went through a unique situation where she was perceived as white because of her condition. This brought benefits to her that she may have never received if she looked Filipino. This is a unique perspective that no one can really experience. It makes me want to read the memoir to know more about what the advantages are, how did it start, and how did she handle it emotionally. Finally, she mentions in her memoir how she is a first-generation immigrant.

          Immigration is a topic Talusan had to experience that is a part of her memoir. Talusan had to leave her home in order to go to the United States. During an interview, she discussed how it was difficult leaving her home and her family to have more opportunities in the United States (CNN Philippines, 2021). This doesn’t directly relate to me because I was born in the United States. However, my family is full of immigrants that had no choice but to leave their homes at a young age in order to get the opportunities they couldn’t find back home. I heard the stories and the struggle of having to grow up quickly and learn how to survive while also providing for the rest of the family back home. During our Page 99 activity, there was a part of her book where she discussed leaving the Philippines and how even with the opportunities, would she be happy if it meant leaving all she loved behind. It is interesting to hear these stories to know what it felt like because it is something I would never truly understand. I can never go through that same exact experience, however, reading it can help me learn to understand it better.

         Therefore, Fairest by Meredith Talusan is the book I choose due to it helping me understand immigration, race, and transsexuality. Her memoir goes through each of these topics and I can relate to them due to my experiences growing up. This is significant because her memoir can help me understand the topics through a different point of view.

Citations

CNN Philippines. (2021, July 12). Fil-Am author Meredith Talusan talks about her memoir “Fairest” | New Day [Video]. Youtube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VTBPKGQVJx0&t=11s

Talusan, M. (2020, March 10). The Cover of My Face. Guernica. Retrieved from https://www.guernicamag.com/the-cover-of-my-face/

Interview of Meredith Talusan

by Kevin Guaman

Meredith Talusan, author of the memoir Fairest, participated in an interview conducted by CNN Philippines. The interview is a YouTube video titled, “Fil-Am author Meredith Talusan talks about her memoir ‘Fairest’| New Day”. The interview focused on asking Talusan her inspiration for writing the memoir, how it felt to write her book, and her experience being part of the LQBTQ+ population. She responded that she believed her experiences with albinism, transitioning, and being a first-generation immigrant inspired her to write about it in her book to share with the world. Writing the book brought an end to the chapter of her life discussed in her memoir as she moves forward with her life and her writing as she moves toward fiction writing. Her experience transitioning from a male to a female brought different experiences to her life since there are those who don’t accept them, so the issues are not going to be over anytime soon. This source involved the work “migrate” many times. This word helped me understand the book better because since the book is focused on being transgender and her albinism, you tend to forget that she had to leave everything behind to immigrate from her home to the United States. It is another layer to her story that many can relate to. Finally, I determined the source is reliable using the CRAAP test. The source is very recent, it focuses on the author and her book, the source is a well known news station, the information comes from the author herself from the interview, and the purpose is to help everyone understand the author’s experience and her story written in the book.

CNN Philippines. (2021, July 12). Fil-Am author Meredith Talusan talks about her memoir “Fairest” | New Day [Video]. Youtube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VTBPKGQVJx0&t=11s

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VTBPKGQVJx0&t=11s