Author Archives: Ashley Moure

Endless Cycle

A photo showing the colorful slot machines, used for gambling, aboard a cruise ship. There are 5 in a row next to each other.
“Slot Machines” by ragingwire is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

While reading the final section of Heavy, I just felt shocked because it felt like I was witnessing history repeat itself. From a young age, Laymon’s mother had pushed for him to be excellent and would punish him whenever she felt disappointed, but she herself was just as flawed as he was. Not only that, but her harmful flaws and addictions seemed to be passed down to Laymon. Earlier on in the book, Laymon wrote about how he saw his mom gamble away a lot of money while they were in Las Vegas, and how she would continue to do this for a long time. Unfortunately, as an adult Laymon also developed the same gambling habits his mother had developed when he was a child. Even after throwing away who knows how many thousands of dollars and promising Flora that he wouldn’t return to the casino (220) he still did. A positive that came out of this situation was that Laymon was able to make amends with his mother and they promised each other that they would get better and she even promised to get help for her addiction (229). While Laymon was honest about never going back to a casino, it seems that his mother was never able to battle her addiction completely, so she continued lying to Laymon. Even when they were laying out all of their problems to each other, they continued to lie to each other, in turn continuing to hurt each other.

In a way this section really exemplifies how much Laymon is like his mother. They both struggled with addiction and constantly lied and hurt the people they loved. It makes sense that Laymon was hesitant about bringing a child into this world because he was afraid he would hurt them just like his mother and the world had hurt him (230). He was still suffering from years of trauma and still doesn’t understand how to deal with it in the healthiest way possible, a lot of people wouldn’t admit that willingly. After everything, I think the ending is quite ambiguous and that’s most likely because Laymon doesn’t know where exactly his story will go. Writing about everything that he went through might make his healing experience easier, but he can also continue to make the same mistakes, after all he seems to still be caught up in this never ending cycle of pain just like his mother.

Set Ups and Failure

You marched into your room, went in the closet, and came out with a belt. You brought one lash down across my shoulder. You brought another lash down across the front of my stomach. You went on and on about ruining the only chance I had to get free.

Laymon, 2018, 138
Image depicts a college library in sepia colors cape. It has a long entryway and has walkways with windows going from left to right.
Oberlin College’s Mudd Library

Laymon writes a lot about making huge advancements but then eventually crashing. The prejudices his professors and other classmates felt towards him and the other, few, Black students was extremely prevalent. They were accused of plagiarizing in English classes more than once (125). It’s clear that this PWI that touted itself as a liberal college, was run and occupied by racists. They didn’t even need to hide their racism because they knew they would face no consequences since they were the majority and this was their regular routine. To me at least, it’s clear that Laymon’s grades suffered because of everything he was enduring at this school. Not only was he being subjected to racism and death threats by his fellow schoolmates, he was also facing inner turmoil and hurting himself in various ways. This was not an easy experience for him, and his grades and his body suffered because of it.

When reading the quote on page 138, I just felt shocked. Laymon has already established that his mother would abuse him if he didn’t do the things she felt were right, but the fact that she still beat him after everything he had gone through was unbelievable. Especially since she had commented on his weight gain beforehand, you would think that she would connect the dots about why he had gained so much weight and had done badly in school. He had been successful and was able to publish different works of his in the school newspaper, but everything else he did was disappointing. He flew too close to the sun and was punished for it, by those unknown to him and those who were supposed to love him no matter what. Punishing him for what she sees as shortcomings and failures is why he’s the way he is. He will not be molded into this perfect person, because a perfect person does not exist. At the end of this section, it’s just clear that he needs more help than he’s ever gotten and a loving hand that doesn’t come with abuse.

Manipulative Liar

The night Kamala Lackey told me her secrets, I promised I’d never sexually violate or sexually abuse any woman or girl on earth. The existence of that promise was enough to excuse myself for lying to Abby Claremont and any other girl who wanted to have sex with me.

Laymon, 2018, 103

This particular section was a lot to take on. Laymon discusses his relationships with women and how he treats them.  In the quote above, he touches on his promise to never secually abuse/violate women or girls. Throughout “Hulk” Laymon brings up all of the situations where the girls around him would want to have sexual intercourse while they were drunk and how uncomfortable it made him, “Usually, I said no because my body told me it was wrong” (94). His understanding of consent and how the lines get blurry when one is drunk made Laymon disregard all of the advances women made towards him while intoxicated. I wonder if a part of this came to be because of the things he saw occurring at Beulah Beauford’s house. While he was mindful of keeping his hands to himself during these moments, it didn’t stop him from hurting women in other ways.

Although Laymon promises to never hurt women sexually, he still allows himself to hurt them by becoming a liar. I feel like the most unnerving part about him lying was that he took pleasure in it. When Laymon is crying over Abby, he tells his mother that it’s because her and his father didn’t try to make it work. When she begins to cry and apologize, it makes him “smile and tell more lies” (98).  Now he’s lying to his mother and all the other women and girls in his life. He is being encased in toxicity and gets pleasure from it. Since no one knew the truth about what he was doing he was still allowed to be and looked at as a “good guy” (103). It’s shocking that he is only sixteen years old and doing all of this. The contrast between 12-year-old Kiese and 16-year-old Kiese is staggering. The signs of being a liar have always been there since he was young, back then he would lie to save himself from trauma and I think that his trauma is still shaping his actions at this stage, however, it doesn’t excuse the pain he is and will cause to others.

I don’t know what Laymon was trying to convey by explaining that he wouldn’t take advantage of women sexually, but that he was also a liar. I think that in a way this is to show that at the end of the day he is just a human who has flaws. He isn’t a superhero like Hulk, there will be many things that he does that are wrong from a moral standpoint. Also, since he is writing this memoir as a letter to his mother, it might serve as an exposé of sorts. He’s letting her know all of the harm that he caused people because he enjoyed lying to women. I wonder how long he will continue to thrive off of being a manipulative liar throughout this memoir.

Exhibiting Pain and Trauma

Days, and often hours, before you beat me, you touched me so gently. You told me you loved me… You made me feel like the most beautiful black boy in the history of Mississippi until you didn’t.

Laymon, 2018, p. 5

Throughout the first 62 pages, Laymon touches on the various forms of pain and trauma he witnessed and experienced. While he touches on the love he received from his mother and grandmother, the suffering he encountered seemed to weigh more heavily on my mind. As Laymon alludes to in the quote on page 5, the pain that one feels when it’s inflicted by someone they know is supposed to love them hurts more than anything else. Laymon’s conflicting feelings towards the things happening to him at the hands of his mother and others, is something that is completely understandable. Unfortunately, this also led to him coping in really harmful ways, such as restricting himself and also binge eating (23; 47). It’s interesting how instead of lashing out at the people who harmed him, he chose to harm himself. 

Most of the time Laymon makes constant reference to how he was conscious of and hateful of his body. He chose to take things out on his body because he had this idea that it was the cause of most of his issues. If he didn’t look the way he did, maybe he would be loved, “Renata decided not to be my girlfriend anymore… I knew it was because my legs were fat and I made her breasts smell like pork chops, rice, and gravy the first time she pushed them in my mouth,” (24). Being a Black boy from Mississippi who also happened to be fat took a serious toll on Laymon’s self image and how he perceived others thoughts about him. What I find even more heartbreaking about this particular instance is that Renata was not his girlfriend, she was a sexual predator who took advantage of an insecure 12-year-old. Laymon is completely misguided about his struggles, but as a 12-year-old it’s hard to know what really is the problem. Despite being traumatized by those around him, he still tries to find a way to explain the pain he’s experiencing because he doesn’t understand how bad it is. It’s really unfortunate that this is what he had to go through as a young boy.

Not only does Laymon refer to his own pain and trauma, but he also touches on the things others experience. What really stood out to me is when he writes about knowing the different forms of oppression that go on in the world (pp. 27-28). Throughout these pages he does give examples of the pain that people cause one another because of their positions of power. I liked how he didn’t only focus on his pain but also the pain of those around him. More often than not, the things that we witness change our outlooks on things and I think that’s why Laymon was able to become so knowledgeable about why the things he was seeing were wrong. He felt within himself that these things were off, even if this is what we are taught is right. As he says on page 10, “we are studious children of this nation,” all of our harmful traits are what we are taught from a young age. I think that he understood that his mother beating him is something that she learned, and it’s why he continued to love her despite all of the pain and trauma she caused him. I hope that throughout the rest of the book we can see how Laymon’s evolution is shaped by his life experiences and how he changes when it comes to addressing his pain and trauma.

Pick A Book Activity

What goes into one’s decision when it comes to picking a book to read? Is it based on how captivating the cover is, or how interesting the synopsis is? There are so many reasons as to why someone picks a certain book to read over another. In this case, books that deal with how we handle complicated human relationships and try to resolve the conflicts that arise is what compels me to read a book. I would like to read Kiese Laymon’s Heavy because this memoir allows us to learn about a narrative that is oftentimes overlooked. It delves into the struggles of trauma, the reality of being a Black boy and man in America, and the emotional turmoil our relationships can put us through. I think that by reading this memoir we can come to understand not only Laymon’s reality, but possibly the realities of others going through similar situations as well.

There were many reasons that went into my decision to read Heavy. When we were completing the judge a book by its cover activity, the synopsis and the reviews immediately caught my attention. Words such as “fearlessly”, “defiant”, “vulnerable”, along with many others were used to describe Laymon’s memoir. These words explain to the reader that this will be a very raw and emotional story that explores different aspects of Laymon’s life. Just from this initial exposure to the book, it’s easy to become curious about the struggles that Laymon went through to have this memoir be labelled as powerful and provocative. In addition, when reading a review about the memoir, this view that Laymon was completely honest about his story is further driven home. This was done in the hopes of relaying his trauma and freeing himself from it (Key, 2019). Writing can become therapeutic, especially when it pertains to such a serious topic. The desire to read this memoir doesn’t only have to do with his struggles, but also the way he used this as an opportunity to address things that were weighing heavily on his mind.

While learning more about Heavy, I was captivated by Laymon’s storytelling surrounding his interpersonal relationships and how he navigated them. In order to get a better understanding of the author’s work, we were told to read another piece of writing from the various authors. “Quick Feet” details Laymon’s stay with his grandmother and his vulnerable interaction with her. He explains how although he loved his grandmother, he hated having to stay at her house for various reasons. One of those reasons being that he hated seeing her work for a white family. Although this family had the means to afford a washer and dryer, they still made his grandmother wash their filthy clothing . This all led to him resenting the white family, but his grandmother made him understand that this was, unfortunately, one of the only ways to survive in Mississippi (Laymon, 2018). In the same piece, he also addresses how he came to confide in his grandmother about his sexual and physical abuse. It was difficult to do, and his grandmother’s reaction to this was kind of cryptic, but it was a start on his journey of becoming honest about these things. He felt that he could be honest with her because they loved each other. It’s clear that if he didn’t feel safe with her he probably wouldn’t have confessed. Throughout the memoir, he touches on other relationships with those around him and I’m looking forward to seeing how he writes about these relationships. The short snippets that I have read have been very emotional and vulnerable in nature. Laymon’s willingness to address these topics, despite how serious, makes his memoir more compelling and increases my desire to read it.  

Additionally, Laymon’s honesty in telling his story really motivated me to want to read his memoir. While doing the internet assignment, I came across a video of Laymon reading a chapter from his book and then proceeding to answer questions from this audience. Laymon didn’t shy away from the questions that some might label too sensitive. He wanted to get his point across that honesty was the only way to address past struggles even if it was hard to say the words most times. Laymon acknowledged that it’s not often that Black men write stories about love and trauma, and that he wanted Heavy to serve as a story about just that (Strand Book Store, 2018). It’s difficult to find a memoir by a Black man that touches on these subject matters, so it’s important to read these types of narratives to show that people are willing to listen. As Laymon states in the same video, he wanted to feel “heavier” and substantive which is why he shared his story. A whole lot of people and their experiences go unheard of and ignored because they’re hesitant to share stories similar to Laymon’s. This is why it’s important to pay attention to these narratives and uplift the authors who write uncommon memoirs. We can help people with similar experiences become “heavier” as Laymon said, and we can come to understand the realities of people who are typically ignored. Laymon’s honesty serves to make people understand and connect to his story, and this along with the fact that it’s an uncommon narrative are some of the many reasons why I would like to read his memoir.

It’s sometimes hard to pinpoint what exactly makes one want to read a book. In the case of Kiese Laymon’s Heavy, the fact that it’s an uncommon narrative and it addresses various, serious topics makes me more interested in reading it. Hopefully, reading this book will allow us to learn about the struggles he underwent and also understand stories from people who aren’t usually in the spotlight.

Bibliography

Key, J. (2019). Kiese Laymon. Heavy. Prairie Schooner, 93(2), 189. https://link.gale.com/apps/doc/A607709278/AONE?u=cuny_ccny&sid=bookmark-AONE&xid=cd36a34e

Laymon, K. (2018). Quick Feet. The Virginia Quarterly Review, 94(3). https://www.vqronline.org/memoir-articles/2018/10/quick-feet

Strand Book Store. (2018, October 31). Kiese Laymon | Heavy: An American Memoir [Video]. YouTube. https://youtu.be/_w7xkpQnr24

Kiese Laymon’s Heavy

Throughout the video Kiese Laymon | Heavy: An American Memoir, Laymon reads a chapter from his book Heavy. He describes the chapter as being a very emotional one, and what he reads delves into the relationship with his mother and other things, such as self image. During questioning he explains why he wrote the book as a letter to his mother and also the purpose of Heavy as a means of talking about love. Through watching this video, I came to understand why he titled his memoir heavy. It speaks about difficult subjects, but he also mentioned how he wanted to feel “heavier” which I took to mean that he wanted to feel substantive by writing to his mom and speaking to the audience with his writing. It served as motivation for him. I think that this source is reliable because it is a video of Laymon himself reading and speaking about Heavy. It serves as an informative source for people who have read or are planning to read the memoir, and it allows people to hear from the author himself.

Strand Book Store. (2018, October 31). Kiese Laymon | Heavy: An American Memoir [Video]. YouTube. https://youtu.be/_w7xkpQnr24

Main Expectations

1 September 2021

Dear Class,

This semester we will be introduced to ways of improving our writing. For some of us this may be one of the few English courses that we will take, and for others it might be the first of many. This course will hopefully allow us to be able to get our points across clearly and also analyze things well. Writing is one of the few ways that we can communicate with others, and this course will lead to us becoming better in communicating through a social science lens.

Throughout the course of the semester I hope that we can strive to build a community. Hopefully, we are willing to listen to each other and prevent conflicts from arising. Since no one person thinks alike, we have to be willing to work through those disagreements that may occur. In some classes discussions get heated, and while that can be fun because it shows how passionate people are about a topic, I hope that this class will be a bit calmer, especially since it takes place so early in the morning! Overall, I think that if we can successfully communicate our thoughts I think that we will have a successful semester. 

Another expectation that I have is for Professor Dalton. While it’s obvious that everything can’t be explained concretely, I hope that he is able to guide us through this course so that we can do well in it. Although we need to put in the effort to succeed as well, it’s more assuring when we understand what is needed and wanted from us. Additionally, I hope that our student-professor relationship builds up to be a nice one and that we all become comfortable participating in class.

All in all, I truly hope that all of us can do well in this course, and that we can also learn how to use these new technologies efficiently! Somethings may be confusing right now, but with practice I’m sure that we can get the hang of it!

Here’s to a successful semester,

Ashley M